Oh to only be NORMAL....

First off, I am extremely tipsy right now. Maybe border line smashed.
So I just wish you knew... I wish I was Normal. I wish my mind was at peace. I know I struggle with mental instabilities that I inherited from my mother. Living with mental illness is hard. Harder now more than ever because no one knows what it feels like to be me. I see a drink to just numb the pain, numb it for a moment,... okay maybe longer.
I am struggling, struggling more now than ever. I wish for cancer, or something quick to just take me before I loose my mind. Its coming.... Dear God, I do not want to be my mother. I do not want to be me. I'm trapped in a world I am can't stand. I want to run.... Run fast and far away. But where would I go? I am ready.....ready ready ready to run.
I can not feel my teeth, or see this screen. I better go now and continue to fuel my numbing of emotions. I hope I Sleep tonight.

later tater.


P.S

FACEBOOK is so FAKE! Everyone see's the great moments in pictures. If they really knew what was going on behind the lines.

SHOCKED

Im shocked. mad.. disappointed in myself... the listed goes on and on....
Feb sweethearts brings Nov stuffed turkey's right? WHAT THE HELL!

My Crazy life....

Wow it has been a while since I last blogged. For many reasons I just don't have a second to myself anymore. The twins are 9 months old and growing up so fast.
I am still SUPER FAT and GROSS and have super low self esteem. Lets see... I painted my walls... Fall Harvest. Which is ORANGE and got some stripped choc. brown curtains.
Im still broke all the time. I think that about covers it.

lol...

Glad I could update my blog while switching over my mountain of laundry.

Life is good and I am blessed...

We all have our moments of weakness. OF COURSE, right? I just had a whole bunch in the past say...6 months. But I want everyone to know LIFE IS GOOD and I am blessed.
My twins are now 7 months old and a complete joy each and every day. Besides the fact they POOP a lot. Im totally excited about each day I get to spend with them.
My oldest turned 17 this month. Wow..it seems like just yesterday I was having her. Life will fly by if you let it. With her it was at the speed of light.
Work has been steady busy ...which keeps me on my toes. I like that in many ways.
It makes me feel like more of a person than just a mother or a wife.
Tristan has had his ups and downs with emotions lately. He reminds me a lot of myself. Except that he is SHY and I am not. All other things seem to be a direct reflection of me as a child. I know his struggles. Brian and I don't get to spend much time together. But when we do I find it amazing ...wonderful...loving and a tiny bit nerve wrenching when we fight about the little things.
I think its important to learn how to speak to each other. Not only to our husbands and wives but also our children. I am going to work on that.
My 2009 is a Blessing I was never prepared for. I can't wait to find out what else will happen each and every day. ( side note... A BIG SORRY TO GEICO for forgetting to pay the car insurance, I have been really busy and totally forgot)


Twinmama ~ You inspire me in so many ways. I follow your blog and you give me a shining light of hope and happiness. Bet you didn't know that. Any how.. I got a Double jogging stroller.
Im going to use it and think of you taking off and running. I can only walk now.. but I set a goal of running with it very soon. THANKS~!

Becki~ You push me when i am down... PUSH ME BACK UP! I never feel like I could ever fail with you behind me. Finding you on a May moms group almost 9 yrs ago was a GOD SEND! I love you. You are a everyday part of my life and I hope we will ALWAYS be the best of Friends.
When I think ... I JUST CAN NOT DO IT. You never let me fall ... I am never alone in my struggles. THANK YOU for all your words of encouragement.

I feel really good and positive. My life is GOOD!

Each day I am loved by many... to me that is success! I am right where I belong.

I am so sad... :O(

I am so sad, I can not quit crying...
I really can't talk about it. Maybe on another post.
I just feel like things are not good at the Silvers house hold.
Not good at all. Reality checks ..suck!

ughhhhh
Happy new year to me right?
How could I expect any less.

Single or Married. ... this was some good advise

This was posted by someone that was going threw a breakup on my facebook. I thought it was some good advise. Everything but the weird hugging yourself part... :O)




If he's ever ignored you, hasn't done what he KNOWS will make you happy, acted like he "forgot"to do the things that make you happy - orDELIBERATELY set out to hurt you by not doing what makes you happy or DOING what makes you UNHAPPY -I know how unappreciated you feel. And what's so amazing, is that this kind of thing is sometimes the EASIEST thing to FIX! The trick here is to completely turn around the way he sees you, the way he experiences you, and the way he feels compelled to ACT around you -basically to rewire his responses - and as hard as it sounds - it's not - you can do it (if I did, any woman can). The simplest, fastest way to start this in motion is to Appreciate Yourself. Okay - this is like cheating, because it's whatyou read in magazines - it's the EASY thing to"say." And yet, I know, if you're anything like me,saying "I'll appreciate myself" is anything BUTeasy. So - this step is more about a new Tool for appreciating yourself that IS easy - and fast. Try this: Step 1. Every time something happens that doesn't feel good - at work or with your man -check in on how you're feeling and what comes to your mind to say in response. Chances are your first impulse is to blame someone - either the person at work or your man. And right after you think of that - if you're like me - you go right to blaming YOURSELF. (This is really the same for all of us - someof us HIDE our people-pleasing instincts and desire to beat ourselves up about things - but those impulses still have really LOUD voices inside us and sometimes those voices make usdo things that don't serve us at all.) And then, we might go to blaming our "luck" or someone from long ago, or our parents...and by that time we've dragged down our energy and then our spirits go spiraling down, too. So - you might find yourself blaming your manor yourself or someone else out loud, or keeping it to yourself, but that's where you're putting your energy (as it's going downhill). Step 1 is simply to NOTICE yourself doing this.That's all - just notice. Then... Step 2. Immediately wrap your arms around yourself, hold on, hug yourself hard, and say -out loud if you can - "WOW - I'm so brilliant to have caught myself blaming him, and me, and thatother thing! I'm amazing! I'm so amazing because I'm able to SEE how amazing I am! My only job isto love myself - and what in INCREDIBLE job I'm doing right this minute of loving myself. Wow - I am hugging myself even though things don't feel good - I'm just wonderful!" If you're in the middle of a date, or a business conference, or at a party - take yourself to the bathroom to hug yourself - don't put it off to later if you can help it - the faster you stepin after the "Blaming" voices start up, the BETTER. 3. Now - Step Three is what you do after you hug yourself. And it's got to be something completely DIFFERENT than what you normally do when a man does something that sets you off. So, try this: If he's forgotten to do the last-minute shopping he promised to do, or to take out the trash, or if his idea of a New Year's date is"hanging out - maybe" - or if he hasn't called at all - or that person at work who makes your life"difficult" has gotten even more intense - ask yourself (after the hug) what it is you WANT todo. See if you can come up with your NORMAL response - your normal, usual impulse in this situation. Is it to tell him what an idiot he is? Is it to try to make suggestions for him? Is it to reason with him about his promises and how you feel about it when he doesn't do what he say she'll do (like call)? Is it to go out with girlfriends some place loud where you can't talk to anyone and most often don't have a very good time? Now - DO SOMETHING ELSE. (It really helps if you'll sit down, right now,and make yourself a list. I call this a CHANNELING list, and my new Circular Dating program will tell you exactly how to work this list - for now, just make a long, long, thorough list of things you LIKE to do, things that feel GOOD when you do them, and that take your mind off your "blame" thoughts. If "blame" has given way to ANGER right now -that's GOOD! (On your list, make sure you write things that you need a LOT of energy for - running, volunteering for something for your community that requires physical effort, taking an art class or adance class - and put a little star by those things to let you know they're good for whenyou're ANGRY.) So pick something off your list - the more physical the better - and DO IT. If you're at work, or in the middle of a dinner party, or in the middle of a date - I know you can't just run out to the yoga studio or walk in the park - but you CAN (especially if you're inthe bathroom already, hugging yourself) do SOMETHING very different from what you'd usually do . You can look at yourself in the mirror and touch your face with love and total attention. You can write a quick, wildly loving poem to yourself (grab your purse with a small journal and pencil in it at all times when you walk away froma "blaming" situation to hug yourself in abathroom or back room). If you've been standing with your man, having what could so easily turn into an argument, and then excused yourself to go to the bathroom or bedroom to hug yourself, perhaps you don't have to do ANYTHING! That's right. Perhaps it's DONE. No closure, agreement, or discussion required. Or - you could come back and say something like"This feels so bad. We seem to always argue over the same things...is there something I should know? Are you angry with me? Is it something I'm doing that's making it so hard for us to communicate? I'd really like to listen to you if you have any ideas about how we can solve these things. What do you think?" Now - this is pretty advanced communication. Not only are you appreciating YOURSELF - you're appreciating HIM. And how does this work to turn HIM around? To instantly make him appreciate you? Because he WANTS to appreciate you.&nb sp; He really does. He's just blocked from it because of his own issues - including basic male cluelessness. So the moment he EXPERIENCES you appreciating YOURSELF - he FEELS better. And then when you add to that by GENUINELY(can't fake this, remember) appreciating HIM -he's blown away. It's like the way we feel when a man impulsively, out of the blue, walks over to us, takes us in his arms and gives us a gentle, sweet kiss. We just feel good, we forget about the icky stuff, we move from a tight, defensive place to awarm, open, loving and feeling loved place. And the same thing happens to him. Only, for him, it's not reaching over to kiss him that does it for him. It's Appreciating him. Exactly the way he is. And when you can do that in a tense, upsetting moment, when you can listen to him and hang onto your own feelings and words while he's talking - it's like MAGIC for him. He appreciates you because he feels accepted for who he is, and appreciated for who he is - byYOU! Turning your relationship around by BEING the things you want to be with your man (like sensual, enjoying all the wonderful things y our man does for you, receiving all the love he gives you...all the things you want) will actually make him want to DO all that for you.

Time will not heal all ....

I have been hurt many times. MANY TIMES! But when a best friend and a husband betray you.... no matter how much you want to forgive and forget....it never goes away.
How do you love 2 people and they are the ones to distroy all you have left in HOPE and TRUST.
I wish I could let it go. I wish I could forget...but it never goes away. Its always in the back of my mind and pushes forward. I hope in the new year that all of my anger and hurt will just go away.
Live my life for the new and not for the old. I shouldn't even write about this.. I want to let go. But i just needed to say it out loud.