Oh to only be NORMAL....

First off, I am extremely tipsy right now. Maybe border line smashed.
So I just wish you knew... I wish I was Normal. I wish my mind was at peace. I know I struggle with mental instabilities that I inherited from my mother. Living with mental illness is hard. Harder now more than ever because no one knows what it feels like to be me. I see a drink to just numb the pain, numb it for a moment,... okay maybe longer.
I am struggling, struggling more now than ever. I wish for cancer, or something quick to just take me before I loose my mind. Its coming.... Dear God, I do not want to be my mother. I do not want to be me. I'm trapped in a world I am can't stand. I want to run.... Run fast and far away. But where would I go? I am ready.....ready ready ready to run.
I can not feel my teeth, or see this screen. I better go now and continue to fuel my numbing of emotions. I hope I Sleep tonight.

later tater.


P.S

FACEBOOK is so FAKE! Everyone see's the great moments in pictures. If they really knew what was going on behind the lines.

SHOCKED

Im shocked. mad.. disappointed in myself... the listed goes on and on....
Feb sweethearts brings Nov stuffed turkey's right? WHAT THE HELL!

My Crazy life....

Wow it has been a while since I last blogged. For many reasons I just don't have a second to myself anymore. The twins are 9 months old and growing up so fast.
I am still SUPER FAT and GROSS and have super low self esteem. Lets see... I painted my walls... Fall Harvest. Which is ORANGE and got some stripped choc. brown curtains.
Im still broke all the time. I think that about covers it.

lol...

Glad I could update my blog while switching over my mountain of laundry.

Life is good and I am blessed...

We all have our moments of weakness. OF COURSE, right? I just had a whole bunch in the past say...6 months. But I want everyone to know LIFE IS GOOD and I am blessed.
My twins are now 7 months old and a complete joy each and every day. Besides the fact they POOP a lot. Im totally excited about each day I get to spend with them.
My oldest turned 17 this month. Wow..it seems like just yesterday I was having her. Life will fly by if you let it. With her it was at the speed of light.
Work has been steady busy ...which keeps me on my toes. I like that in many ways.
It makes me feel like more of a person than just a mother or a wife.
Tristan has had his ups and downs with emotions lately. He reminds me a lot of myself. Except that he is SHY and I am not. All other things seem to be a direct reflection of me as a child. I know his struggles. Brian and I don't get to spend much time together. But when we do I find it amazing ...wonderful...loving and a tiny bit nerve wrenching when we fight about the little things.
I think its important to learn how to speak to each other. Not only to our husbands and wives but also our children. I am going to work on that.
My 2009 is a Blessing I was never prepared for. I can't wait to find out what else will happen each and every day. ( side note... A BIG SORRY TO GEICO for forgetting to pay the car insurance, I have been really busy and totally forgot)


Twinmama ~ You inspire me in so many ways. I follow your blog and you give me a shining light of hope and happiness. Bet you didn't know that. Any how.. I got a Double jogging stroller.
Im going to use it and think of you taking off and running. I can only walk now.. but I set a goal of running with it very soon. THANKS~!

Becki~ You push me when i am down... PUSH ME BACK UP! I never feel like I could ever fail with you behind me. Finding you on a May moms group almost 9 yrs ago was a GOD SEND! I love you. You are a everyday part of my life and I hope we will ALWAYS be the best of Friends.
When I think ... I JUST CAN NOT DO IT. You never let me fall ... I am never alone in my struggles. THANK YOU for all your words of encouragement.

I feel really good and positive. My life is GOOD!

Each day I am loved by many... to me that is success! I am right where I belong.

I am so sad... :O(

I am so sad, I can not quit crying...
I really can't talk about it. Maybe on another post.
I just feel like things are not good at the Silvers house hold.
Not good at all. Reality checks ..suck!

ughhhhh
Happy new year to me right?
How could I expect any less.

Single or Married. ... this was some good advise

This was posted by someone that was going threw a breakup on my facebook. I thought it was some good advise. Everything but the weird hugging yourself part... :O)




If he's ever ignored you, hasn't done what he KNOWS will make you happy, acted like he "forgot"to do the things that make you happy - orDELIBERATELY set out to hurt you by not doing what makes you happy or DOING what makes you UNHAPPY -I know how unappreciated you feel. And what's so amazing, is that this kind of thing is sometimes the EASIEST thing to FIX! The trick here is to completely turn around the way he sees you, the way he experiences you, and the way he feels compelled to ACT around you -basically to rewire his responses - and as hard as it sounds - it's not - you can do it (if I did, any woman can). The simplest, fastest way to start this in motion is to Appreciate Yourself. Okay - this is like cheating, because it's whatyou read in magazines - it's the EASY thing to"say." And yet, I know, if you're anything like me,saying "I'll appreciate myself" is anything BUTeasy. So - this step is more about a new Tool for appreciating yourself that IS easy - and fast. Try this: Step 1. Every time something happens that doesn't feel good - at work or with your man -check in on how you're feeling and what comes to your mind to say in response. Chances are your first impulse is to blame someone - either the person at work or your man. And right after you think of that - if you're like me - you go right to blaming YOURSELF. (This is really the same for all of us - someof us HIDE our people-pleasing instincts and desire to beat ourselves up about things - but those impulses still have really LOUD voices inside us and sometimes those voices make usdo things that don't serve us at all.) And then, we might go to blaming our "luck" or someone from long ago, or our parents...and by that time we've dragged down our energy and then our spirits go spiraling down, too. So - you might find yourself blaming your manor yourself or someone else out loud, or keeping it to yourself, but that's where you're putting your energy (as it's going downhill). Step 1 is simply to NOTICE yourself doing this.That's all - just notice. Then... Step 2. Immediately wrap your arms around yourself, hold on, hug yourself hard, and say -out loud if you can - "WOW - I'm so brilliant to have caught myself blaming him, and me, and thatother thing! I'm amazing! I'm so amazing because I'm able to SEE how amazing I am! My only job isto love myself - and what in INCREDIBLE job I'm doing right this minute of loving myself. Wow - I am hugging myself even though things don't feel good - I'm just wonderful!" If you're in the middle of a date, or a business conference, or at a party - take yourself to the bathroom to hug yourself - don't put it off to later if you can help it - the faster you stepin after the "Blaming" voices start up, the BETTER. 3. Now - Step Three is what you do after you hug yourself. And it's got to be something completely DIFFERENT than what you normally do when a man does something that sets you off. So, try this: If he's forgotten to do the last-minute shopping he promised to do, or to take out the trash, or if his idea of a New Year's date is"hanging out - maybe" - or if he hasn't called at all - or that person at work who makes your life"difficult" has gotten even more intense - ask yourself (after the hug) what it is you WANT todo. See if you can come up with your NORMAL response - your normal, usual impulse in this situation. Is it to tell him what an idiot he is? Is it to try to make suggestions for him? Is it to reason with him about his promises and how you feel about it when he doesn't do what he say she'll do (like call)? Is it to go out with girlfriends some place loud where you can't talk to anyone and most often don't have a very good time? Now - DO SOMETHING ELSE. (It really helps if you'll sit down, right now,and make yourself a list. I call this a CHANNELING list, and my new Circular Dating program will tell you exactly how to work this list - for now, just make a long, long, thorough list of things you LIKE to do, things that feel GOOD when you do them, and that take your mind off your "blame" thoughts. If "blame" has given way to ANGER right now -that's GOOD! (On your list, make sure you write things that you need a LOT of energy for - running, volunteering for something for your community that requires physical effort, taking an art class or adance class - and put a little star by those things to let you know they're good for whenyou're ANGRY.) So pick something off your list - the more physical the better - and DO IT. If you're at work, or in the middle of a dinner party, or in the middle of a date - I know you can't just run out to the yoga studio or walk in the park - but you CAN (especially if you're inthe bathroom already, hugging yourself) do SOMETHING very different from what you'd usually do . You can look at yourself in the mirror and touch your face with love and total attention. You can write a quick, wildly loving poem to yourself (grab your purse with a small journal and pencil in it at all times when you walk away froma "blaming" situation to hug yourself in abathroom or back room). If you've been standing with your man, having what could so easily turn into an argument, and then excused yourself to go to the bathroom or bedroom to hug yourself, perhaps you don't have to do ANYTHING! That's right. Perhaps it's DONE. No closure, agreement, or discussion required. Or - you could come back and say something like"This feels so bad. We seem to always argue over the same things...is there something I should know? Are you angry with me? Is it something I'm doing that's making it so hard for us to communicate? I'd really like to listen to you if you have any ideas about how we can solve these things. What do you think?" Now - this is pretty advanced communication. Not only are you appreciating YOURSELF - you're appreciating HIM. And how does this work to turn HIM around? To instantly make him appreciate you? Because he WANTS to appreciate you.&nb sp; He really does. He's just blocked from it because of his own issues - including basic male cluelessness. So the moment he EXPERIENCES you appreciating YOURSELF - he FEELS better. And then when you add to that by GENUINELY(can't fake this, remember) appreciating HIM -he's blown away. It's like the way we feel when a man impulsively, out of the blue, walks over to us, takes us in his arms and gives us a gentle, sweet kiss. We just feel good, we forget about the icky stuff, we move from a tight, defensive place to awarm, open, loving and feeling loved place. And the same thing happens to him. Only, for him, it's not reaching over to kiss him that does it for him. It's Appreciating him. Exactly the way he is. And when you can do that in a tense, upsetting moment, when you can listen to him and hang onto your own feelings and words while he's talking - it's like MAGIC for him. He appreciates you because he feels accepted for who he is, and appreciated for who he is - byYOU! Turning your relationship around by BEING the things you want to be with your man (like sensual, enjoying all the wonderful things y our man does for you, receiving all the love he gives you...all the things you want) will actually make him want to DO all that for you.

Time will not heal all ....

I have been hurt many times. MANY TIMES! But when a best friend and a husband betray you.... no matter how much you want to forgive and forget....it never goes away.
How do you love 2 people and they are the ones to distroy all you have left in HOPE and TRUST.
I wish I could let it go. I wish I could forget...but it never goes away. Its always in the back of my mind and pushes forward. I hope in the new year that all of my anger and hurt will just go away.
Live my life for the new and not for the old. I shouldn't even write about this.. I want to let go. But i just needed to say it out loud.

I AM GREAT AT.....

i am wonderful.

think of 10 things you’re really good at.or even that you’re really okay at.“I AM GREAT AT ____________!”make a list!use a thesaurus & replace the word “great” with a synonym.discover you’re extraordinary.



I took this off a blog i follow....
Now... whats hard is finding something your great at.....Im great at being really MEAN. I don't think that makes me extraordinary. ughhh

Random thoughts that dance threw my head

Christmas sucks every year. I never get anything from my husband or kids. He never sits down with them to even make me a card. I should be use to it now going on 11 -12 yrs right? Nope it still bothers me.

My husband and I fought a lot on Christmas, so that was bad too. He just crawled under my skin about everything. Being rude...every chance he got. He went to his parents house. Dropped his babies off at the door and went in the back and went to sleep. Guess who was at home cleaning... ME! No one offered to help either. Merry Christmas to me once again!

My kids are ungrateful. That act like its NEVER ENOUGH and that BOTHERS me to the Core! ughhhh Make me hate holidays! Really it does!

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like the straight man walking into a GAY bar ( picture it in a 80's movie way). That's what I feel like when I am around the stepford wives. They all dress alike, talk alike and rich as hell. Talk about out of place. Every time I am in a group setting of " Playgroups" or " certain meetings" that is the way I feel. I can't not and will not ever fit in. I do not have a nanny that takes care of my kids. I did not marry the rich man with a mansion. SO I just want to say.... that will never be me for many reasons. In those situations ..guess what? I GET REALLY QUIET! I know that's a shocker right?

So I joined Facebook, shocker right? So I am connect with all my OLD gang. Ones from Middle school all the way up to high school. BUT just one.. ONE of my friends won't accept me to be her friend on facebook. I noticed everyone else got her to accept them as friends. One of them even told her to accept me. Nothing... not one peep from her. Not like my life is over not speaking to her after all of these years. ALMOST 20 yrs.. YIKES! But needless to say it bothers me!

After my last post on my blog, we all know I am broken. Broken in many ways...

Now I keep getting asked, whats wrong? I would love to invite those people to read my blog, so that i don't have to explain it a million times. But then again, do I really want them knowing where I write all my deep dark thoughts? NOooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Then they might read about them one day. Not good .. not good. So if you don't know about my blog, I will keep it to myself. Note: When someone is broken, they are not going to just open up to any stranger / Friend and tell them what is wrong. I don't trust ANYONE! So there for I am not close with ANYONE! I will not be telling you that kind of stuff.

Back to the title of my BLOG NO ONE to TELL. No one to trust to tell either.

So my grandmother has all but given up on life. After my uncle died 6mo ago.. it has been hard on her. The loss of a child can be hard on anyone. It has taken my grandmother down to " No will to live". Soooo next Wed. I will brave the highways from here in Charlotte...all the way to ATHENS ALABAMA. I love that women... I love her like a mother. I love her more than anyone really. She saved me from my hell many times..with her loving touch... her sweet treats..and her wisdom. Not to mention a sprinkle of stories while sitting on her porch swing in the summer time. When she wants you to come to lunch and sit on the porch.... you know your in for a treat.

She is my everything... my link to the past, my link to who I am and will be. To loose her will KILL ME! I will not miss a chance to see her. NEVER! No matter how much money we do not have... I will do ALL I can to make it there. If for nothing else.. a kiss and a hug.

I want everyone to know how much I love this women. I wish I could call her more, see her more and just be near her MORE! man.. im sad when she isn't feeling good. this stinks!

I am so fat! Have I mentioned how much that bothers me? IT DOES! I went from FAT ( before my twins) to really really really nasty FAT now.

ughhhhh kills me.

Okay I think im done with my random thoughts after Christmas.

:O)

Broken...

I lost my mind! Its offical! I mean it! No kidding this time!

I AM SERIOUS!

ughhhhhhhhh

The house can not stay clean, the bills keep coming in, the endless things to do .... and to TOP it all off.. MY KIDS! Shelby and Tristan are very ungrateful kids. They expect the world! I want to give them COAL this year. I mean it! No Santa, no gifts from others. NOTHING! I can not stand that Shelby does nothing BUT LIE TO ME! Daily and with out reason. She will NOT HELP ME to save her life. You have to drill sgt. her to death to make her MOVE and I mean MOVE SLOW ! It crawls all over me how selfish and self centered she is.

Tristan talks to EVERYONE like they are CRAP that got tracked into the house. He has NO RESPECT for OTHERS ! I am so sick of it. He becomes helpless when it is time to clean up.

It drives me BONKERS! I am so over extended..So over stressed! TO CRY would only help a little ..but then I know I have to go back to living my life with THEM!

I never relax, I never slow down and I never have a feeling of Accomplishment. WHICH SUCKS!

On a side note.. when I buy things from people ( ie , craigslist, mommy's groups and so on) they all want me to come to their front door to pick it up. Of course they do, right?

But when I sale something. ... They expect me to deliver it to them. Make things right there when they walk out of their door. WHAT THE HELL?

SOooooo this lady writes me wanting something I am selling on craigslist.

What kind of idiot writes this?

I live in Charlotte can you meet me somewhere between Fort Mill and Charlotte

What is between Charlotte and Fort mill?A STATE LINE! The part where the road changes... the rest stop on either side of the line? What the HELL?

Im sick of it. Plain sick of it.

ughhhhh

I need medication for anxiety! My panic, wanting to freak out.. its all taking over my daily life.

I scream, I yell and I am not a good person. If the house is a mess... it runs all over me... I live with the nastiest people on the planet. ughhhh

When the kids DO NOTHING but sit on a pedestal ... I want to kick them off and make them pick up the mess. I can't do it all and not being able to do it all... makes me ill.

I need to learn to relax! I think I need to start drinking some HARD Liquor.

I never did get Christmas cards out. That is like not making Black eyed peas on New years eve. What the hell is wrong me ? I didn't have enough time people... I can't spread out anymore.

I am writing this at work ...and that is VERY VERY BAD !

I run and I run.. and I run and I write myself notes, notes I can't find, I can't remember, I don't know why I am standing in a room, I don't know what I went to walmart for, I don't remember what I was suppose to do... Im going crazy! i know it... When I yell .. Inside I am saying " what are you doing, why are you freaking out? ITS OKAY .. SHUT UP... STOP" But I can't! I keep yelling! I keep freaking out. I want to leave the dishes and hold my babies and love on them. But there is too much to get done! I am missing out and can not stop myself from being so unhappy with the things around me. Its getting worse. I will have a clear thought and remember something and then I hear " MOMMY.... blah blah blah" Then I am back to not knowing why I am standing in my room with a blank face.

The other day, Shelby starts saying something in the kitchen, I can not hear her ..so I say " WHAT?" A zillion times, while my babies are both crying, while I was emailing someone back about picking up or dropping off something for a family in need. While Tristan is asking me something on the side ... and do you know what she wanted?????

She wanted to know.. WHY there was PEPPER in the SALT shaker! OMG OMG OMG

So my life had to stop so I could go in there and hear what she kept repeating over and over that I could not hear. So by then, I HAD LOST IT, MY MIND.. I wanted to cry! But instead ... I yelled at her. I had asked her to help me out...for ONE SECOND. Instead she kept repeating that from the kitchen. She blew up my cell phone the other day when she got out of school. I hung up on her because all I heard was everyone else in the halls. NOT what she was saying. Babies woke up from their naps, Needed to be changed and fed and my hands were full. She kept calling.

I thought to myself...someone better be DEAD!

Finally I pick up the phone and say.. WHAT SHELBY...

She said, I forgot to by a sweatshirt at lunch and they only sale them on Thur. I guess I am going to have to go to the office tomorrow before school starts.

My point is.. THIS COULD NOT WAIT UNTIL she got home in 10 min to tell me?

She needed to call me, no less than 10 times back to back?

guess what I did? YELLED! WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME? COULD THIS NOT WAIT???

Tristan does the same thing to me. But I can't think straight right now to tell you a good story he has done lately. Most of my YELLING to him has been.. DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO DO THAT? WHY DID YOU THROW THAT IN FRONT OF THE FRONT DOOR? WHY IS THERE 10 MUDDY SHOES out here and I JUST TRIP ON THEM HOLDING ALL THIS STUFF!

WHY DID YOU DIG UP TRASH and put it in our YARD?

My nerves are bad. I think it runs in my family.

So I am announcing to the world that I , Maryanne Silvers... I am BROKEN!

Maybe I love being a mother .. .But shouldn't have had any.

Wow this is a deep quote

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." -Soren Kierkegaard

I hope you know....

I blinked my eyes and a year flew by. Do I remind myself of how much I suffered or believe in the blessings I have in front of me? I use to dwell on the suffering...and now I remind myself each day that I AM SO BLESSED! Blessed not only by my wonderful healthy twins, but my daughter Shelby and my son Tristan. They are each so special to me. Smart...healthy and sweethearts. Okay sometimes a little rough around the edges but still my sweethearts.

I look back and wonder how the last six months went by so fast. I look back at pictures and regret not taking more of the babies. I feel bad I am not in any pictures. I hope my babies know that I cuddled and kissed them each day a million times. I hope they remember my sweet voice saying " Its okay .. Mommies here". No proof they even have a mother if you look back at the memories we have of them. Maybe I hide from the camera on purpose hoping no one will remember me this FAT. But I bet my children don't mind my size...just the size of my LOVE.

I am ashamed of my looks and how I let myself go. But I wish I didn't care and could have had a few pictures taken of me holding the babies when they were Tiny. I missed out on those pictures because of the way I felt. If I could only get that time back again.

I wonder if I didn't do enough, now that they are six months old. We do not have a video camera. So I did not record them. I do have a camera phone and just now figured out how to get video's off and put them on my computer. But still I feel like I missed out on so much. Those first few months I barely got to rest and my mind was fuzzy. I wish I could have done so many things and I just didn't.

I hope you know..... HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU! even if the pictures aren't there to show you ...

Just when I needed it most....

Here I am ...back in action. My Internet is ON at the house... im rocking in style with a direct connection to my closest friends...who all live inside my computer.

yea!

I just read my fav blog and let me just say if you don't read it... your missing out..

You are remarkable has to be the best site at my lowest moments in life.

I once attended at church that each Sunday the messages touched me in a way...i thought it was GOD speaking directly to my heart. I loved it.

Now this blog... is my light in darkest moments, knowing just what to say...to snap me out of things that go wrong.

I stopped taking my meds. It seemed to keep me down...bottled up with all my emotions tearing me apart little by little each day. Now Im mad a lot. But its good to have emotions that come out instead of eat you alive.

IM BACK...thats right... Here I am....

Im so grateful for the chance to touch the world again.

I won't lie...I so worked my cute twins down at the cable company and got a sweet hookup on the Internet. GO WONDER TWINS....their cute smiles made those people putty in my hands.

But every party comes to a end.. Kaibre started grunting. I tell her no pooping in public...but she went and blew up that poor women's cubical and we got the doors opened for us to rush out of there and leave. Poor lady...her personal space was left with the aroma of BABY CRAP!

It was so bad we had to leave the windows cracked for the 3 mile drive home. Wheww weeeeee. yuck!

Kagan thought it was funny!

I need you to be....

When I saw this today on one of the blogs I follow.. I thought.. WOW... that so speaks to me.
Do you ever just come across things that speak worlds to you? I use to go to this church in Athens, AL. Every Sunday God spoke to me. I could go in there with any question heavy on my mind, and the preacher would start talking about it. I would be amazed. I love that place. I let my harsh feelings out in tears each time I entered those doors. It was all good at that church until that made me feel like I never gave enough ... $$$$$ It was all about MONEY! Now why did they go and mess it up for me like that? ughhh Never went back. But I did get a lot out of it when I did go.

Back to this picture.. Man... this is what Brian says to me. I need you not to be sad. Its hard to explain how depression can take over everything. Its not just one thing that makes you crash. Its the whole world around you. You break apart little by little until there is nothing left but SAD! Who will pick me up when I hit rock bottom? Or am I just sitting at the bottom of my PIT of sorrow and failure?

Did you end become all you wanted to be? Did life turn out the way you wanted it to? Is anyone out there really HAPPY with life?

Can you remember my smile? My laugh? Can you remember me the way I use to be?
Before my body got huge, before my emotions took over? Before I came in LAST PLACE? Before I lost all hope and zest for life?
I wonder if that's what Brian holds on to.... a memory! Because I am a empty shell of nothingness. I no longer hope or dream... I no longer want more or less. I just exist to live another day doing the same thing over and over. My boring life ...a nanny, a housemaid, a admin. asst working on invoices.


For one more day, remember me the way I use to be and not what I have become.

Ahhhh BLOG how I miss you...How alone I am with out you ....

Life has been crazy busy and down right boring all at the same time.

Ready for the shocker? My mother came for a visit. YIKES.. I know. The visit was long enough and just right. I felt like I bored her a lot. She just happen to come when my life was on my mind more than usual. So I was tired and wore out most of her visit. Now that she is gone... my life seems distant and disconnected. I am depressed more now than I ever was when the twins first came. The constant feeling of being a failure at life infest my mind. Deep depression surrounds me like a sickness no one can shake. Daily I pick apart my life one section at a time. My weight ( HUGE AND FAT), My looks ( UGLY), My kids ( disrespectful, rude, self centered) My marriage (routine, sexless, dull). I tell my husband I wish I would die on the way to work in a car accident. That way the family could live off of my life insurance. Then our money problems and my sadness would be gone. YES I am taking my meds. But it seems like LIFE just doesn't change no matter how much ZOLOFT you choke down your throat. ya know...

I was at a point where I was trying to make friends. I wanted to be apart of different groups. Now I find myself just wanting to be alone. ( well alone with my babies)

After a dozen years of reaching out at different people, I finally came to see the light that all I need is to just be left alone. I no longer need the company of others to make myself complete.

I still wish I wasn't so down in the dumps. I can't seem to pick myself up and it just gets worse. Will it ever get better? I am faced with the same bills trying to catch up and then Christmas for 4 kids. YIKES. How do you apply to be a angel on the Angel tree? hahahahha

Well that is all I have to share for now. Maybe one day I will write again with more exciting news.

........Never let anyone know your full potential

I say this to myself all the time. Never let people know just how wonderful you are at things or they will always expect your best. Giving them your Best here and there makes you seem SPECIAL and REWARDED! But never ever let them see you coming with your best foot first. hahhahahahah

I have always said that to myself about many many things. I just have to have a little giggle inside for that comment. okay a big laugh! hahahhahahaha

On a side note:

I had a friend tell me I was a great " MOTHER " today. I have never thought I was great by any means. I mess up more than I make things right. But it did feel good to know she thought I had it together. I guess being a good mother to me is not being MY MOTHER. I love my mother. But only because she gave me life. Other than that.... it ends there.

I have to say.... I believe the rich people drink WINE and are so calm and cool. " awww look my kids are playing in the street" BIG WAVE " Hi sweetheart, mommy loves you"

People like me that never DRINK or SMOKE or have ever done any kind of drugs... JUST YELL!

All jacked up mad looking " GET YOUR #$@@ OUT OF THE STREET RIGHT NOW! "

I think everyday, If I could just take up drinking heavy and maybe some " i don't give a crap" painkillers... I Could be a really COOL CALM mom! I would hear all the neighbors comment... on how sweet and wonderful I am with my kids. hahhahah

Makes you laugh doesn't it.

Just to think...back in my day we jumped on a trampoline with out NETS protecting us! OH MY!

We rode on my parents lap down the road and they let us steer the car... WITH OUT SEAT BELTS! ( OH MY GOODNESS)

Wait did my mom ever ask me around the age of 12 " What kind of wine cooler do you want?" Really loud at the liquor store? hahhaha YEP!

Come to think of it maybe she had a few beers before she said that. hahhahaha

The key to getting what you wanted from her was to ask right after she took some VALUM...

" Hey mom, I know I'm only 15 and have never drove by myself, but you don't mind if I take myself to work at WINN DIXIE do you? SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEE Honey go ahead she would say. COOL!!!!

I suck at being a mom. But I guess I just love the job. Even with all the rolling of the eyes from my Shelby and being ignored by my son Tristan. I'm telling you those TWINS are PERFECT! hahahahh Maybe because they haven't reached that point yet.

Okay I have said way too much on here today. Got carried away with the laughs deep down inside my big head.

If only... right?

So much going on ....

Im so stressed to the max lately. I feel like a complete failure. My bills are so far behind. 2 car payments, a house payment. ughhh its horrible. I don't know if I will ever catch up. I want to cut off my cell phones... they do nothing but drop calls anyway and I am either at home or work. So use of a phone could always be near. But getting a home phone is 150.00, don't know why its some crazy jacked up amount when it will only cost 25.00 a month. Then I thought I would leech off of a neighbor for some Internet, so I turned in my modem. Well guess what...THEY MOVED! No Internet anymore. ughhhh I can't catch a break, can I ?

I need to work more and more and more and that means being away from the babies.

The house is constant work for me and between that and everything else...there is NO TIME for me or my weight issues. ughhhh I guess I could starve myself. But what I want is to feel good. My knees and back are killing me and i know its the weight.

My relationships with friends are suffering. I have one friend I know Im on her last nerve and she is very distant. It makes it hard to bond closer when I feel like a nail in her shoe. A life long friend that I question if I need to talk to at all anymore. Parents that are just non-existent. A sister that is sitting up in the county jail because she robbed some lady at KMART of her Purse. OMG! Crack whore sally is going to serve some time. A family that doesn't help me out around the house and I am killing myself to keep up with things.

I spend all day alone at the house, Alone in my office at work. My nights and weekends away from my older children and the babies because Im at work.

Medical bills are coming in piles at the house. Crazy madness.

What do you pay first the house payment or the electric bill?

The water bill or the car payment.

Every since I had the twins and Brian was laid off ...we slowly kept slipping into this PIT.

Now we are over 30 days late on everything and it SUCKS!

I really don't know what else to do anymore. My head hurts thinking about it. Maybe stress will kick in and I will lose weight from being stressed. OH could I be so lucky? Probably not. ugh

Well Im off to get some HEALTHY food for the house. I need a support group of really happy women ..who would just lift me up. Im having a hard time picking myself up, even though I am medicated.

I really believe my mother's mental health issues...are in me. I feel it taking over the older I get. I spend my whole life trying not to become her. When in the end... I think I am bound to be the crazy old lady that doesn't remember anything.

Oh well, I won't know what I am missing, right?

poetic memory

the brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory & which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful.
-milan kundera, the unbearable lightness of being

Hard to find quiet moments to post...

I know its been a while since I lasted posted. I have so many things running threw my head.

Its so hard to find quiet moments I can just write what I want.

First I would like to say it is very important you marry your best friend. I love my husband more and more everyday. He is just a different person these days. He prays... he lifts me up when he doesn't even know it. Besides that he tells me a zillion times that he loves me. Tops it off with how pretty I am ( we know that's a lie). What a amazing man he is. Just for putting up with me alone should give him HUGE Kudos. I'm so glad God blessed me with him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGIA... My dog is 4 yrs old today. Yea...

but she did crap in my floor in the middle of the night a few nights ago and that really made me mad.

My babies are growing up so fast and strong. I enjoy them each and everyday. Its been a long 3 1/2 months of getting to know each other but in the end .. I'M HOOKED on them.

Watching them smile ..just melts my heart. Make it all worth it. I use to think...." WHAT DID I DO???" But not anymore. I just feel so blessed and loved each and every day they are here.

My life was never complete with out them.

Tristan is the little sunshine of my day. At 8 yrs old he is super handsome and really sweet. He just takes my breathe away each time I see him. His loving touch is the ray of light on my day.

One day I hope he will know that for every time he tells me he loves me and still lets me pet on him.... is another moment he keeps me from deep depression.

I have a picture of him on this post. He got my camera phone and took a picture of his self. I LOVE IT! Its almost as if he is looking in on me and smiling.

The older I get the harder I find it to stay in focus with friendships. I am either just bored with someone, just do not click, out of touch or just plain do not like someone after a while.

I find it hard to carry a on going conversation. I'm just in a different world ... I guess.

Once again, glad I married my best friend.

My stress level is up ....big time.

Headaches are back in full effect and I can't stay with a clear thought. It bugs me...

If I start to think about the way I look, I get really depressed.

I have to work on that BIG TIME! I would love to be a different looking person by next summer. I believe I can do it too.

My parents are flying to Tampa this week. They are going deep sea fishing, and swim with dolphins. What part of this crushes me is ...we barely speak. They have nothing to do with my kids and me. They will not come here for a visit. But will go on vacation and say they do not have the money to travel here. They poor mouth everything and drive BMW's and have every toy known to man. We don't even rank in the top 10 of their lives on this earth.

No matter how much I don't want it to effect me.. it crushes me. I feel no love from them at all.

It wouldn't matter if we never spoke at all ...ever again.

I'm so done.... they will be lonely old people in a old folks home. FOR REAL with NO VISITORS!

My sister is a crack whore that lives with her PIMP. How the heck did I turn out half way normal. Okay people I said HALF WAY for real.

Im getting direct tv today...wooo hoooo no more comporium.

Can not seem to pick myself up out of UGLY....

A long time ago, I believe I was pretty. Never super skinny, but a normal size. I had self confidence and a passion for life and those around me. Now I feel as if I can't seem to pick myself up out of ugly. Yes you read that correctly. U_G_L_Y Besides the fact that just having given birth to twins 3 months ago... I still have the reflection in the mirror that makes my own skin crawl. I hold my head down low and never want to look anyone in the eyes. I bring my own self down as well as those around me. I hate that! My husband gained weight. I know he is depressed. My teenage daughter is over weight as well. She seems to be the only one OKAY with it. I don't see there being any hope for me. Maybe I am just too far gone. I had a coworker say to me " that looks like your daughter". She was looking at my drivers license from just 3 yrs ago. WHAT? Am I that butt ass ugly now? I must be... because that didn't make me feel good about myself. Im gross and I know it. I find it hard with a house, 4 kids and a husband ...not to mention twin babies and a part time job. To find time to work out or work on myself. I tend to come dead last. I color my hair to cover the gray. I keep a fairly neat house....and I try my best to take the best possible care of all of my family. But I just can't seem to fit " ME" into 24 hours in my day. Will that ever change? It would be easier to stop eating then it would be to go to the gym. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I look like this. ughhhh Im only 34, life can not be over.