poetic memory

the brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory & which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful.
-milan kundera, the unbearable lightness of being

Hard to find quiet moments to post...

I know its been a while since I lasted posted. I have so many things running threw my head.

Its so hard to find quiet moments I can just write what I want.

First I would like to say it is very important you marry your best friend. I love my husband more and more everyday. He is just a different person these days. He prays... he lifts me up when he doesn't even know it. Besides that he tells me a zillion times that he loves me. Tops it off with how pretty I am ( we know that's a lie). What a amazing man he is. Just for putting up with me alone should give him HUGE Kudos. I'm so glad God blessed me with him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGIA... My dog is 4 yrs old today. Yea...

but she did crap in my floor in the middle of the night a few nights ago and that really made me mad.

My babies are growing up so fast and strong. I enjoy them each and everyday. Its been a long 3 1/2 months of getting to know each other but in the end .. I'M HOOKED on them.

Watching them smile ..just melts my heart. Make it all worth it. I use to think...." WHAT DID I DO???" But not anymore. I just feel so blessed and loved each and every day they are here.

My life was never complete with out them.

Tristan is the little sunshine of my day. At 8 yrs old he is super handsome and really sweet. He just takes my breathe away each time I see him. His loving touch is the ray of light on my day.

One day I hope he will know that for every time he tells me he loves me and still lets me pet on him.... is another moment he keeps me from deep depression.

I have a picture of him on this post. He got my camera phone and took a picture of his self. I LOVE IT! Its almost as if he is looking in on me and smiling.

The older I get the harder I find it to stay in focus with friendships. I am either just bored with someone, just do not click, out of touch or just plain do not like someone after a while.

I find it hard to carry a on going conversation. I'm just in a different world ... I guess.

Once again, glad I married my best friend.

My stress level is up ....big time.

Headaches are back in full effect and I can't stay with a clear thought. It bugs me...

If I start to think about the way I look, I get really depressed.

I have to work on that BIG TIME! I would love to be a different looking person by next summer. I believe I can do it too.

My parents are flying to Tampa this week. They are going deep sea fishing, and swim with dolphins. What part of this crushes me is ...we barely speak. They have nothing to do with my kids and me. They will not come here for a visit. But will go on vacation and say they do not have the money to travel here. They poor mouth everything and drive BMW's and have every toy known to man. We don't even rank in the top 10 of their lives on this earth.

No matter how much I don't want it to effect me.. it crushes me. I feel no love from them at all.

It wouldn't matter if we never spoke at all ...ever again.

I'm so done.... they will be lonely old people in a old folks home. FOR REAL with NO VISITORS!

My sister is a crack whore that lives with her PIMP. How the heck did I turn out half way normal. Okay people I said HALF WAY for real.

Im getting direct tv today...wooo hoooo no more comporium.

Can not seem to pick myself up out of UGLY....

A long time ago, I believe I was pretty. Never super skinny, but a normal size. I had self confidence and a passion for life and those around me. Now I feel as if I can't seem to pick myself up out of ugly. Yes you read that correctly. U_G_L_Y Besides the fact that just having given birth to twins 3 months ago... I still have the reflection in the mirror that makes my own skin crawl. I hold my head down low and never want to look anyone in the eyes. I bring my own self down as well as those around me. I hate that! My husband gained weight. I know he is depressed. My teenage daughter is over weight as well. She seems to be the only one OKAY with it. I don't see there being any hope for me. Maybe I am just too far gone. I had a coworker say to me " that looks like your daughter". She was looking at my drivers license from just 3 yrs ago. WHAT? Am I that butt ass ugly now? I must be... because that didn't make me feel good about myself. Im gross and I know it. I find it hard with a house, 4 kids and a husband ...not to mention twin babies and a part time job. To find time to work out or work on myself. I tend to come dead last. I color my hair to cover the gray. I keep a fairly neat house....and I try my best to take the best possible care of all of my family. But I just can't seem to fit " ME" into 24 hours in my day. Will that ever change? It would be easier to stop eating then it would be to go to the gym. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I look like this. ughhhh Im only 34, life can not be over.

Look what I did Becki!

Turn the channel

Do you ever notice when women find out they are preggo they start watching all the baby birthing shows on TV. A baby story, or one of those shows on discovery health. Heck they are on all day long. But for real folks, how many times are you going to watch a women give birth? Sooner or later its going to hit you... Man that looks like it hurts. She looks like she is in a lot of pain. OH man they broke out the vacuum to get that baby out. YEP save yourself the panic and STOP WATCHING other women suffer. Plus even with the blurry mark over her MUFF, you still didn't need to see all that from a stranger. YUCK!
Its just way too emotional...TURN THE CHANNEL

Random thought: How do you know your in front of the TV way too much?
... you look at the clock and see that it is 11am and first thought in your head is.. "PRICES RIGHT is ON"

TURN THE TV OFF PEOPLE..... ITS BORING!!!

( EXCEPT WHIPEOUT! That show is too funny)



Okay I say that now and I just thought...the new road rules, real world challenge comes on tonight on MTV. See TV is poison. hahhahaha

from my good friend Becki in OHIO..... Quote for the day. TOO FUNNY!!!

Quote for the day: "Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."

Do you know you look like a DORK???

I was sitting at work tonight and thought to myself as I listen to a Sugarland song....Does he know he looks like a dork? I am referring to Kristian Bush. Since the 3rd band member left he just sticks out like a complete dork. Here Jennifer Nettles sings her heart out and sounds great while he stands to the side and rocks his head up and down and plays the guitar. DORK DORK DORK! I love SUGARLAND, but come on .... your just in the back up band Kristian. Seriously.... Jennifer leads the pack and your nothing. You barely ever do back up vocals. The band just seems very unbalanced since the departure of Kristen Hall. Bring back the big girl!!!

...JUST one more...BUT JUST ONE!

I remember not wanting more kids. I thought to myself....." people who have big families are CRAZY!!!" My husband comes from a family of 6. He has 1 sister and 2 brothers. Since the day I met him, I knew he wanted a big family. But NOT ME!!!! I grew up with one sister BETH and she was adopted when I was 10 yrs old. It was great having a sister, but I soon realized, the more people in the family the less you get a Christmas. hahhaha
In the beginning of our marriage I really did want a son. I had never had a brother and thought how nice it would be to raise a little boy. So after 2 yrs with my husband we tried and right off we had a little boy. Soon after he was born my husband would say... " I WANT MORE KIDS" ummm lets talk about it in 5 yrs. My thought process was not to have 2 in daycare. But soon those 5 yrs flew by and he was asking...when would we have more kids. He loved being a dad and wanted to fill the house up with the pitter patter of little feet. BUT..... NOT ME!
Soon it became a huge problem in our relationship, me not wanting more kids ( why would I? I had a boy and a girl already) and Brian wanting to fill the house up.
So at the age of 33, I agreed ...JUST one more. JUST ONE!!! I thought if we had a girl together he would feel complete and I could turn my uterus OFF! But as God's hands would have it.. I became pregnant with TWINS! I remember the doctor telling me it was for sure twins and they had strong heartbeats. I about broke in to tears, as my husband exploded with joy. I thought OMG, 2 babies....I will pull my hair out. I had only agreed to ONE MORE. Call it the buy one get one free or 2 for one special.
My pregnancy was HARD...So hard that I cried almost every day and thought to myself. WHAT DID I DO???? But I just wanted to post today...as I watch my babies grow and grow up fast. That I love them more now than ever. Even with out sleep at night...even with out clean clothes ( because I always have some sort of spit up on my shirt) ...even if I can't seem to keep the house in order. I love them with all my heart and soul. I want to almost cry at how fast they have grown up in the past 3 months. I make sure to fill my days up with TONS OF SWEET KISSES. Lots of little fingers grabbing mine so tight. Petting their sweet soft skin a zillion times in hopes that I don't forget how it feels. I light up at the sight of them smiling back at me all threw my day. Who could ever be sad or down when you have that face looking back at you with a great big grin plastered from ear to ear? I never in a million years thought I would say this... But I am going to miss them being babies. Time goes by way to fast and they are just way too sweet.
I wondered why GOD gave me these great big hips later in life... it was to carry the load of 2 sweet babies. Okay.... now give me my hot body back, GOD! HAHHAHAH


So when the world is quiet and the day is slow... I want you to know, deep down inside...no matter how much I never wanted it.... I AM THANKFUL and BLESSED!

Now for the shocker... MY HUSBAND WANTS MORE KIDS...
Oh he is so SOL... for real its not going to happen and I mean it this time. 2 boys, 2 girls and a body gone to hell in hand basket. IM DONE! Im going to leave it all for his next wife to fill his house with kids. He can make sure to take his 3 with him when he leaves.


So Christy, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Im not having anymore. But I do enjoy the ones I do have. Besides Shelby's back talk and rolling of the eyes, Tristan's nagging " can I ?" NOOOO " well can I now?" ughhh and most of all MY GOD PEOPLE I HAVE TWINS>>> thats not double the work thats 10 million times the work. Plus Kagan and Kaibre will grow up to be Shelby and Tristan!

SO when people say " are these your first" My my noooooooooooooo But they are my LAST"

I would not be sad at all if I won the lottery and could get a nanny. hahhaha

Another Random thought....

So I have had a really bad day. I think my after the twins meds just stopped working. My nerves are just tore up by the middle of the afternoon. I just don't feel like myself and more important I don't feel like I could take one more second of certain things.

Back to my random thought...

I love my job. I do it and go home. I mean I would love to be a forensic pathologist. But for many reasons I didn't get to go to school for that. Sooo No dead bodies for me to pick apart.

You know what I was thinking...

No matter how bad your day at work might be... Someone out there is cleaning toliets at a rest stop. NOW that would SUCK to know you were going to work to clean a toliet that many many butts have been sitting on all day. YUCK>

There are many special jobs out there.

People that work at old folks homes...( someone has to wipe old people butt)

People that work on cleaning up dead animals off roadways.( the odor or the bugs ughhh)

People that give pedicures... ( some people have nasty feet )

Prison guards ( never safe and who wants to see that... NOT ME)

My list could go on and on... but right now...I am thinking that has to be the worst job I can think of.

Are they identical?

For the record, you can not have identical boy/girl twins. I don't know how many times a day I get asked.... " ARE THEY Identical?" ughhh NO! or " Are they twins?" Nahhhh just born on the same day. hahahhaha

Its like when ever you go out in public .. Your the freak show. Its just two babies people. For real.... its not a 2 headed baby.

We must get stopped a zillion times. It would be nice to go out one day with out getting stopped and be able to shop or do something with out a crowd.

sometimes i just need to remind myself...

Christian Ways to Reduce Stress...
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19 Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus ."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33 . Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.

To love the DOG or HATE the DOG!.... that is the question

So my dog Georgia stays under my feet 24/7. Not sure why she thinks she has to, but she does. Yesterday morning I went and Plopped down on the couch and it was wet. WHY is the Couch wet? She runs to the back room with her head down. YEP ...She peed all over it. That and the babies boppy pillows. How nasty! Now my couch smells of PISS!

Brian tells me to get rid of her. ughhhh I'm torn...do I let her go or still work with the situation. I don't know what the future holds for Georgia and this family. I mean if she keeps up this behavior, I am going to have to find her a new home. I could put her in her crate, but she will just huff and puff and want out. More work for me. I am beating myself up about this.

I do not believe in beating a dog, so i put her in time out for most of the day. She had to stay in the back room on her pillow. Every time she came out... I said " NO NO you pee peed on my couch" she went back to the room with her head down. She knew she had done wrong.

So the question still stands... Does Georgia stay or does Georgia go?

If Noah and his 3 son's are the only ones that survived the flood....does that mean we have some serious cousin lovin going on in the world?

As I listen to the sounds of the twins grunting in the background ... I wonder when I will ever have time to BLOG. But I feel like I have a million things rushing threw my mind that I want to say. Say to someone... anyone that would listen to me. But for the most part my days are spent alone. Alone with the twins at home during the day, then I rush off to work where I sit alone in quiet office and work. The quiet at work is nice, but it makes my night drag out and I watch the clock way too much. Maybe I want to go home early or maybe I want to work later. Just depends on that day. Today, I can not wait to get to work. I guess you could say its my break from my world at home. But then when I am at work, I worry about the babies. If they are crying, if they need anything. I worry about the mess that might be being made. After I work so hard to make it all clean. ughhhh it never ends.

I thought I would start over and delete old post and start some new ones.

Random thoughts lately...

Why to we get on to our kids for things we do ourselves? PUT THAT UP, CLEAN THAT UP...
But when you look around... some adult in the house is just as guilty for the same things.
Hummmm?

I had a few more thoughts but they ran away when I was writing this one.



The stress of motherhood has taken me beyond the 50mg of Zoloft the doctor things i need to level me off. I don't feel distant with the babies anymore. But still do not feel the bond I had with Shelby and Tristan. I love them more and more each day. I love to see them smile back at me and light up when I enter the room. Makes me feel loved. But I feel the struggle of holding down the house and kids. Not to mention still finding time to go to work to make the bills balance ( which hasn't happened yet. we are still in the hole).
I wonder if things will change or only get worse. Last Sunday I felt like I just couldn't find me all day. Like no matter what I did... or where I went.. I got more and more upset for no reason at all. I couldn't find balance in myself or my day. I thought about calling the doctor to say... I need stronger meds. But in the long run, I would like to stop taking these at the 6mo mark. I only started them because I couldn't stop crying all the time.

Yesterday I cried a lot. Just sitting at my desk at work I would break down. Mostly because of all the bullshit that was going on at home with Shelby and Brian.

I really need to focus on my weightloss and well being. Seriously.... Im not finding much of myself left anymore. That would be sad for the world to lose such a wonderful person such as myself. hahahha just kidding.

I thought I would have a lot to say in this blog today...But all I can think of is... I need to get in the shower.

Oh well...

JUST SO YOU KNOW

I said this today and thought I might save it.

"I honestly feel like Life is full of many ups and downs. It is normal for emotions to fluctuate.
That is living life the normal way. If its just sadness for no rhyme or reason then yes you need medication to help control the problem. But if you are having issues in your life that would cause it then I would say that is normal.
Happy medication can some times cloud reality and prolong facing issues Head on.
But that is just my personal opinion.
You don’t want people to think “ Is she not taking her medication again?” That can haunt you. So if your MAD, BE MAD!
If you want to cry because your overwhelmed THEN CRY! If its FUNNY, LAUGH LOUD! But never live life on the mellow and let it be ROAD. "