Sunday, October 05, 2008

So much going on ....

Im so stressed to the max lately. I feel like a complete failure. My bills are so far behind. 2 car payments, a house payment. ughhh its horrible. I don't know if I will ever catch up. I want to cut off my cell phones... they do nothing but drop calls anyway and I am either at home or work. So use of a phone could always be near. But getting a home phone is 150.00, don't know why its some crazy jacked up amount when it will only cost 25.00 a month. Then I thought I would leech off of a neighbor for some Internet, so I turned in my modem. Well guess what...THEY MOVED! No Internet anymore. ughhhh I can't catch a break, can I ?

I need to work more and more and more and that means being away from the babies.

The house is constant work for me and between that and everything else...there is NO TIME for me or my weight issues. ughhhh I guess I could starve myself. But what I want is to feel good. My knees and back are killing me and i know its the weight.

My relationships with friends are suffering. I have one friend I know Im on her last nerve and she is very distant. It makes it hard to bond closer when I feel like a nail in her shoe. A life long friend that I question if I need to talk to at all anymore. Parents that are just non-existent. A sister that is sitting up in the county jail because she robbed some lady at KMART of her Purse. OMG! Crack whore sally is going to serve some time. A family that doesn't help me out around the house and I am killing myself to keep up with things.

I spend all day alone at the house, Alone in my office at work. My nights and weekends away from my older children and the babies because Im at work.

Medical bills are coming in piles at the house. Crazy madness.

What do you pay first the house payment or the electric bill?

The water bill or the car payment.

Every since I had the twins and Brian was laid off ...we slowly kept slipping into this PIT.

Now we are over 30 days late on everything and it SUCKS!

I really don't know what else to do anymore. My head hurts thinking about it. Maybe stress will kick in and I will lose weight from being stressed. OH could I be so lucky? Probably not. ugh

Well Im off to get some HEALTHY food for the house. I need a support group of really happy women ..who would just lift me up. Im having a hard time picking myself up, even though I am medicated.

I really believe my mother's mental health issues...are in me. I feel it taking over the older I get. I spend my whole life trying not to become her. When in the end... I think I am bound to be the crazy old lady that doesn't remember anything.

Oh well, I won't know what I am missing, right?