Thursday, November 06, 2008

I need you to be....

When I saw this today on one of the blogs I follow.. I thought.. WOW... that so speaks to me.
Do you ever just come across things that speak worlds to you? I use to go to this church in Athens, AL. Every Sunday God spoke to me. I could go in there with any question heavy on my mind, and the preacher would start talking about it. I would be amazed. I love that place. I let my harsh feelings out in tears each time I entered those doors. It was all good at that church until that made me feel like I never gave enough ... $$$$$ It was all about MONEY! Now why did they go and mess it up for me like that? ughhh Never went back. But I did get a lot out of it when I did go.

Back to this picture.. Man... this is what Brian says to me. I need you not to be sad. Its hard to explain how depression can take over everything. Its not just one thing that makes you crash. Its the whole world around you. You break apart little by little until there is nothing left but SAD! Who will pick me up when I hit rock bottom? Or am I just sitting at the bottom of my PIT of sorrow and failure?

Did you end become all you wanted to be? Did life turn out the way you wanted it to? Is anyone out there really HAPPY with life?

Can you remember my smile? My laugh? Can you remember me the way I use to be?
Before my body got huge, before my emotions took over? Before I came in LAST PLACE? Before I lost all hope and zest for life?
I wonder if that's what Brian holds on to.... a memory! Because I am a empty shell of nothingness. I no longer hope or dream... I no longer want more or less. I just exist to live another day doing the same thing over and over. My boring life ...a nanny, a housemaid, a admin. asst working on invoices.

For one more day, remember me the way I use to be and not what I have become.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Ahhhh BLOG how I miss you...How alone I am with out you ....

Life has been crazy busy and down right boring all at the same time.

Ready for the shocker? My mother came for a visit. YIKES.. I know. The visit was long enough and just right. I felt like I bored her a lot. She just happen to come when my life was on my mind more than usual. So I was tired and wore out most of her visit. Now that she is gone... my life seems distant and disconnected. I am depressed more now than I ever was when the twins first came. The constant feeling of being a failure at life infest my mind. Deep depression surrounds me like a sickness no one can shake. Daily I pick apart my life one section at a time. My weight ( HUGE AND FAT), My looks ( UGLY), My kids ( disrespectful, rude, self centered) My marriage (routine, sexless, dull). I tell my husband I wish I would die on the way to work in a car accident. That way the family could live off of my life insurance. Then our money problems and my sadness would be gone. YES I am taking my meds. But it seems like LIFE just doesn't change no matter how much ZOLOFT you choke down your throat. ya know...

I was at a point where I was trying to make friends. I wanted to be apart of different groups. Now I find myself just wanting to be alone. ( well alone with my babies)

After a dozen years of reaching out at different people, I finally came to see the light that all I need is to just be left alone. I no longer need the company of others to make myself complete.

I still wish I wasn't so down in the dumps. I can't seem to pick myself up and it just gets worse. Will it ever get better? I am faced with the same bills trying to catch up and then Christmas for 4 kids. YIKES. How do you apply to be a angel on the Angel tree? hahahahha

Well that is all I have to share for now. Maybe one day I will write again with more exciting news.

........Never let anyone know your full potential

I say this to myself all the time. Never let people know just how wonderful you are at things or they will always expect your best. Giving them your Best here and there makes you seem SPECIAL and REWARDED! But never ever let them see you coming with your best foot first. hahhahahahah

I have always said that to myself about many many things. I just have to have a little giggle inside for that comment. okay a big laugh! hahahhahahaha

On a side note:

I had a friend tell me I was a great " MOTHER " today. I have never thought I was great by any means. I mess up more than I make things right. But it did feel good to know she thought I had it together. I guess being a good mother to me is not being MY MOTHER. I love my mother. But only because she gave me life. Other than that.... it ends there.

I have to say.... I believe the rich people drink WINE and are so calm and cool. " awww look my kids are playing in the street" BIG WAVE " Hi sweetheart, mommy loves you"

People like me that never DRINK or SMOKE or have ever done any kind of drugs... JUST YELL!

All jacked up mad looking " GET YOUR #$@@ OUT OF THE STREET RIGHT NOW! "

I think everyday, If I could just take up drinking heavy and maybe some " i don't give a crap" painkillers... I Could be a really COOL CALM mom! I would hear all the neighbors comment... on how sweet and wonderful I am with my kids. hahhahah

Makes you laugh doesn't it.

Just to think...back in my day we jumped on a trampoline with out NETS protecting us! OH MY!

We rode on my parents lap down the road and they let us steer the car... WITH OUT SEAT BELTS! ( OH MY GOODNESS)

Wait did my mom ever ask me around the age of 12 " What kind of wine cooler do you want?" Really loud at the liquor store? hahhaha YEP!

Come to think of it maybe she had a few beers before she said that. hahhahaha

The key to getting what you wanted from her was to ask right after she took some VALUM...

" Hey mom, I know I'm only 15 and have never drove by myself, but you don't mind if I take myself to work at WINN DIXIE do you? SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEE Honey go ahead she would say. COOL!!!!

I suck at being a mom. But I guess I just love the job. Even with all the rolling of the eyes from my Shelby and being ignored by my son Tristan. I'm telling you those TWINS are PERFECT! hahahahh Maybe because they haven't reached that point yet.

Okay I have said way too much on here today. Got carried away with the laughs deep down inside my big head.

If only... right?