Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Single or Married. ... this was some good advise

This was posted by someone that was going threw a breakup on my facebook. I thought it was some good advise. Everything but the weird hugging yourself part... :O)

If he's ever ignored you, hasn't done what he KNOWS will make you happy, acted like he "forgot"to do the things that make you happy - orDELIBERATELY set out to hurt you by not doing what makes you happy or DOING what makes you UNHAPPY -I know how unappreciated you feel. And what's so amazing, is that this kind of thing is sometimes the EASIEST thing to FIX! The trick here is to completely turn around the way he sees you, the way he experiences you, and the way he feels compelled to ACT around you -basically to rewire his responses - and as hard as it sounds - it's not - you can do it (if I did, any woman can). The simplest, fastest way to start this in motion is to Appreciate Yourself. Okay - this is like cheating, because it's whatyou read in magazines - it's the EASY thing to"say." And yet, I know, if you're anything like me,saying "I'll appreciate myself" is anything BUTeasy. So - this step is more about a new Tool for appreciating yourself that IS easy - and fast. Try this: Step 1. Every time something happens that doesn't feel good - at work or with your man -check in on how you're feeling and what comes to your mind to say in response. Chances are your first impulse is to blame someone - either the person at work or your man. And right after you think of that - if you're like me - you go right to blaming YOURSELF. (This is really the same for all of us - someof us HIDE our people-pleasing instincts and desire to beat ourselves up about things - but those impulses still have really LOUD voices inside us and sometimes those voices make usdo things that don't serve us at all.) And then, we might go to blaming our "luck" or someone from long ago, or our parents...and by that time we've dragged down our energy and then our spirits go spiraling down, too. So - you might find yourself blaming your manor yourself or someone else out loud, or keeping it to yourself, but that's where you're putting your energy (as it's going downhill). Step 1 is simply to NOTICE yourself doing this.That's all - just notice. Then... Step 2. Immediately wrap your arms around yourself, hold on, hug yourself hard, and say -out loud if you can - "WOW - I'm so brilliant to have caught myself blaming him, and me, and thatother thing! I'm amazing! I'm so amazing because I'm able to SEE how amazing I am! My only job isto love myself - and what in INCREDIBLE job I'm doing right this minute of loving myself. Wow - I am hugging myself even though things don't feel good - I'm just wonderful!" If you're in the middle of a date, or a business conference, or at a party - take yourself to the bathroom to hug yourself - don't put it off to later if you can help it - the faster you stepin after the "Blaming" voices start up, the BETTER. 3. Now - Step Three is what you do after you hug yourself. And it's got to be something completely DIFFERENT than what you normally do when a man does something that sets you off. So, try this: If he's forgotten to do the last-minute shopping he promised to do, or to take out the trash, or if his idea of a New Year's date is"hanging out - maybe" - or if he hasn't called at all - or that person at work who makes your life"difficult" has gotten even more intense - ask yourself (after the hug) what it is you WANT todo. See if you can come up with your NORMAL response - your normal, usual impulse in this situation. Is it to tell him what an idiot he is? Is it to try to make suggestions for him? Is it to reason with him about his promises and how you feel about it when he doesn't do what he say she'll do (like call)? Is it to go out with girlfriends some place loud where you can't talk to anyone and most often don't have a very good time? Now - DO SOMETHING ELSE. (It really helps if you'll sit down, right now,and make yourself a list. I call this a CHANNELING list, and my new Circular Dating program will tell you exactly how to work this list - for now, just make a long, long, thorough list of things you LIKE to do, things that feel GOOD when you do them, and that take your mind off your "blame" thoughts. If "blame" has given way to ANGER right now -that's GOOD! (On your list, make sure you write things that you need a LOT of energy for - running, volunteering for something for your community that requires physical effort, taking an art class or adance class - and put a little star by those things to let you know they're good for whenyou're ANGRY.) So pick something off your list - the more physical the better - and DO IT. If you're at work, or in the middle of a dinner party, or in the middle of a date - I know you can't just run out to the yoga studio or walk in the park - but you CAN (especially if you're inthe bathroom already, hugging yourself) do SOMETHING very different from what you'd usually do . You can look at yourself in the mirror and touch your face with love and total attention. You can write a quick, wildly loving poem to yourself (grab your purse with a small journal and pencil in it at all times when you walk away froma "blaming" situation to hug yourself in abathroom or back room). If you've been standing with your man, having what could so easily turn into an argument, and then excused yourself to go to the bathroom or bedroom to hug yourself, perhaps you don't have to do ANYTHING! That's right. Perhaps it's DONE. No closure, agreement, or discussion required. Or - you could come back and say something like"This feels so bad. We seem to always argue over the same there something I should know? Are you angry with me? Is it something I'm doing that's making it so hard for us to communicate? I'd really like to listen to you if you have any ideas about how we can solve these things. What do you think?" Now - this is pretty advanced communication. Not only are you appreciating YOURSELF - you're appreciating HIM. And how does this work to turn HIM around? To instantly make him appreciate you? Because he WANTS to appreciate you.&nb sp; He really does. He's just blocked from it because of his own issues - including basic male cluelessness. So the moment he EXPERIENCES you appreciating YOURSELF - he FEELS better. And then when you add to that by GENUINELY(can't fake this, remember) appreciating HIM -he's blown away. It's like the way we feel when a man impulsively, out of the blue, walks over to us, takes us in his arms and gives us a gentle, sweet kiss. We just feel good, we forget about the icky stuff, we move from a tight, defensive place to awarm, open, loving and feeling loved place. And the same thing happens to him. Only, for him, it's not reaching over to kiss him that does it for him. It's Appreciating him. Exactly the way he is. And when you can do that in a tense, upsetting moment, when you can listen to him and hang onto your own feelings and words while he's talking - it's like MAGIC for him. He appreciates you because he feels accepted for who he is, and appreciated for who he is - byYOU! Turning your relationship around by BEING the things you want to be with your man (like sensual, enjoying all the wonderful things y our man does for you, receiving all the love he gives you...all the things you want) will actually make him want to DO all that for you.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Time will not heal all ....

I have been hurt many times. MANY TIMES! But when a best friend and a husband betray you.... no matter how much you want to forgive and never goes away.
How do you love 2 people and they are the ones to distroy all you have left in HOPE and TRUST.
I wish I could let it go. I wish I could forget...but it never goes away. Its always in the back of my mind and pushes forward. I hope in the new year that all of my anger and hurt will just go away.
Live my life for the new and not for the old. I shouldn't even write about this.. I want to let go. But i just needed to say it out loud.

Friday, December 26, 2008


i am wonderful.

think of 10 things you’re really good at.or even that you’re really okay at.“I AM GREAT AT ____________!”make a list!use a thesaurus & replace the word “great” with a you’re extraordinary.

I took this off a blog i follow....
Now... whats hard is finding something your great at.....Im great at being really MEAN. I don't think that makes me extraordinary. ughhh

Random thoughts that dance threw my head

Christmas sucks every year. I never get anything from my husband or kids. He never sits down with them to even make me a card. I should be use to it now going on 11 -12 yrs right? Nope it still bothers me.

My husband and I fought a lot on Christmas, so that was bad too. He just crawled under my skin about everything. Being rude...every chance he got. He went to his parents house. Dropped his babies off at the door and went in the back and went to sleep. Guess who was at home cleaning... ME! No one offered to help either. Merry Christmas to me once again!

My kids are ungrateful. That act like its NEVER ENOUGH and that BOTHERS me to the Core! ughhhh Make me hate holidays! Really it does!

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like the straight man walking into a GAY bar ( picture it in a 80's movie way). That's what I feel like when I am around the stepford wives. They all dress alike, talk alike and rich as hell. Talk about out of place. Every time I am in a group setting of " Playgroups" or " certain meetings" that is the way I feel. I can't not and will not ever fit in. I do not have a nanny that takes care of my kids. I did not marry the rich man with a mansion. SO I just want to say.... that will never be me for many reasons. In those situations ..guess what? I GET REALLY QUIET! I know that's a shocker right?

So I joined Facebook, shocker right? So I am connect with all my OLD gang. Ones from Middle school all the way up to high school. BUT just one.. ONE of my friends won't accept me to be her friend on facebook. I noticed everyone else got her to accept them as friends. One of them even told her to accept me. Nothing... not one peep from her. Not like my life is over not speaking to her after all of these years. ALMOST 20 yrs.. YIKES! But needless to say it bothers me!

After my last post on my blog, we all know I am broken. Broken in many ways...

Now I keep getting asked, whats wrong? I would love to invite those people to read my blog, so that i don't have to explain it a million times. But then again, do I really want them knowing where I write all my deep dark thoughts? NOooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Then they might read about them one day. Not good .. not good. So if you don't know about my blog, I will keep it to myself. Note: When someone is broken, they are not going to just open up to any stranger / Friend and tell them what is wrong. I don't trust ANYONE! So there for I am not close with ANYONE! I will not be telling you that kind of stuff.

Back to the title of my BLOG NO ONE to TELL. No one to trust to tell either.

So my grandmother has all but given up on life. After my uncle died 6mo ago.. it has been hard on her. The loss of a child can be hard on anyone. It has taken my grandmother down to " No will to live". Soooo next Wed. I will brave the highways from here in Charlotte...all the way to ATHENS ALABAMA. I love that women... I love her like a mother. I love her more than anyone really. She saved me from my hell many times..with her loving touch... her sweet treats..and her wisdom. Not to mention a sprinkle of stories while sitting on her porch swing in the summer time. When she wants you to come to lunch and sit on the porch.... you know your in for a treat.

She is my everything... my link to the past, my link to who I am and will be. To loose her will KILL ME! I will not miss a chance to see her. NEVER! No matter how much money we do not have... I will do ALL I can to make it there. If for nothing else.. a kiss and a hug.

I want everyone to know how much I love this women. I wish I could call her more, see her more and just be near her MORE! man.. im sad when she isn't feeling good. this stinks!

I am so fat! Have I mentioned how much that bothers me? IT DOES! I went from FAT ( before my twins) to really really really nasty FAT now.

ughhhhh kills me.

Okay I think im done with my random thoughts after Christmas.


Monday, December 22, 2008


I lost my mind! Its offical! I mean it! No kidding this time!
The house can not stay clean, the bills keep coming in, the endless things to do .... and to TOP it all off.. MY KIDS! Shelby and Tristan are very ungrateful kids. They expect the world! I want to give them COAL this year. I mean it! No Santa, no gifts from others. NOTHING! I can not stand that Shelby does nothing BUT LIE TO ME! Daily and with out reason. She will NOT HELP ME to save her life. You have to drill sgt. her to death to make her MOVE and I mean MOVE SLOW ! It crawls all over me how selfish and self centered she is.
Tristan talks to EVERYONE like they are CRAP that got tracked into the house. He has NO RESPECT for OTHERS ! I am so sick of it. He becomes helpless when it is time to clean up.
It drives me BONKERS! I am so over extended..So over stressed! TO CRY would only help a little ..but then I know I have to go back to living my life with THEM!
I never relax, I never slow down and I never have a feeling of Accomplishment. WHICH SUCKS!
On a side note.. when I buy things from people ( ie , craigslist, mommy's groups and so on) they all want me to come to their front door to pick it up. Of course they do, right?
But when I sale something. ... They expect me to deliver it to them. Make things right there when they walk out of their door. WHAT THE HELL?
SOooooo this lady writes me wanting something I am selling on craigslist.
What kind of idiot writes this?
I live in Charlotte can you meet me somewhere between Fort Mill and Charlotte
What is between Charlotte and Fort mill?A STATE LINE! The part where the road changes... the rest stop on either side of the line? What the HELL?
Im sick of it. Plain sick of it.
I need medication for anxiety! My panic, wanting to freak out.. its all taking over my daily life.
I scream, I yell and I am not a good person. If the house is a mess... it runs all over me... I live with the nastiest people on the planet. ughhhh
When the kids DO NOTHING but sit on a pedestal ... I want to kick them off and make them pick up the mess. I can't do it all and not being able to do it all... makes me ill.
I need to learn to relax! I think I need to start drinking some HARD Liquor.
I never did get Christmas cards out. That is like not making Black eyed peas on New years eve. What the hell is wrong me ? I didn't have enough time people... I can't spread out anymore.
I am writing this at work ...and that is VERY VERY BAD !
I run and I run.. and I run and I write myself notes, notes I can't find, I can't remember, I don't know why I am standing in a room, I don't know what I went to walmart for, I don't remember what I was suppose to do... Im going crazy! i know it... When I yell .. Inside I am saying " what are you doing, why are you freaking out? ITS OKAY .. SHUT UP... STOP" But I can't! I keep yelling! I keep freaking out. I want to leave the dishes and hold my babies and love on them. But there is too much to get done! I am missing out and can not stop myself from being so unhappy with the things around me. Its getting worse. I will have a clear thought and remember something and then I hear " MOMMY.... blah blah blah" Then I am back to not knowing why I am standing in my room with a blank face.
The other day, Shelby starts saying something in the kitchen, I can not hear her I say " WHAT?" A zillion times, while my babies are both crying, while I was emailing someone back about picking up or dropping off something for a family in need. While Tristan is asking me something on the side ... and do you know what she wanted?????
She wanted to know.. WHY there was PEPPER in the SALT shaker! OMG OMG OMG
So my life had to stop so I could go in there and hear what she kept repeating over and over that I could not hear. So by then, I HAD LOST IT, MY MIND.. I wanted to cry! But instead ... I yelled at her. I had asked her to help me out...for ONE SECOND. Instead she kept repeating that from the kitchen. She blew up my cell phone the other day when she got out of school. I hung up on her because all I heard was everyone else in the halls. NOT what she was saying. Babies woke up from their naps, Needed to be changed and fed and my hands were full. She kept calling.
I thought to myself...someone better be DEAD!
Finally I pick up the phone and say.. WHAT SHELBY...
She said, I forgot to by a sweatshirt at lunch and they only sale them on Thur. I guess I am going to have to go to the office tomorrow before school starts.
My point is.. THIS COULD NOT WAIT UNTIL she got home in 10 min to tell me?
She needed to call me, no less than 10 times back to back?
Tristan does the same thing to me. But I can't think straight right now to tell you a good story he has done lately. Most of my YELLING to him has been.. DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO DO THAT? WHY DID YOU THROW THAT IN FRONT OF THE FRONT DOOR? WHY IS THERE 10 MUDDY SHOES out here and I JUST TRIP ON THEM HOLDING ALL THIS STUFF!
WHY DID YOU DIG UP TRASH and put it in our YARD?
My nerves are bad. I think it runs in my family.
So I am announcing to the world that I , Maryanne Silvers... I am BROKEN!
Maybe I love being a mother .. .But shouldn't have had any.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Wow this is a deep quote

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." -Soren Kierkegaard

Sunday, December 07, 2008

I hope you know....

I blinked my eyes and a year flew by. Do I remind myself of how much I suffered or believe in the blessings I have in front of me? I use to dwell on the suffering...and now I remind myself each day that I AM SO BLESSED! Blessed not only by my wonderful healthy twins, but my daughter Shelby and my son Tristan. They are each so special to me. Smart...healthy and sweethearts. Okay sometimes a little rough around the edges but still my sweethearts.

I look back and wonder how the last six months went by so fast. I look back at pictures and regret not taking more of the babies. I feel bad I am not in any pictures. I hope my babies know that I cuddled and kissed them each day a million times. I hope they remember my sweet voice saying " Its okay .. Mommies here". No proof they even have a mother if you look back at the memories we have of them. Maybe I hide from the camera on purpose hoping no one will remember me this FAT. But I bet my children don't mind my size...just the size of my LOVE.

I am ashamed of my looks and how I let myself go. But I wish I didn't care and could have had a few pictures taken of me holding the babies when they were Tiny. I missed out on those pictures because of the way I felt. If I could only get that time back again.
I wonder if I didn't do enough, now that they are six months old. We do not have a video camera. So I did not record them. I do have a camera phone and just now figured out how to get video's off and put them on my computer. But still I feel like I missed out on so much. Those first few months I barely got to rest and my mind was fuzzy. I wish I could have done so many things and I just didn't.

I hope you know..... HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU! even if the pictures aren't there to show you ...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Just when I needed it most....

Here I am ...back in action. My Internet is ON at the house... im rocking in style with a direct connection to my closest friends...who all live inside my computer.


I just read my fav blog and let me just say if you don't read it... your missing out..

You are remarkable has to be the best site at my lowest moments in life.

I once attended at church that each Sunday the messages touched me in a way...i thought it was GOD speaking directly to my heart. I loved it.

Now this blog... is my light in darkest moments, knowing just what to snap me out of things that go wrong.

I stopped taking my meds. It seemed to keep me down...bottled up with all my emotions tearing me apart little by little each day. Now Im mad a lot. But its good to have emotions that come out instead of eat you alive.

IM BACK...thats right... Here I am....

Im so grateful for the chance to touch the world again.

I won't lie...I so worked my cute twins down at the cable company and got a sweet hookup on the Internet. GO WONDER TWINS....their cute smiles made those people putty in my hands.

But every party comes to a end.. Kaibre started grunting. I tell her no pooping in public...but she went and blew up that poor women's cubical and we got the doors opened for us to rush out of there and leave. Poor lady...her personal space was left with the aroma of BABY CRAP!

It was so bad we had to leave the windows cracked for the 3 mile drive home. Wheww weeeeee. yuck!

Kagan thought it was funny!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

I need you to be....

When I saw this today on one of the blogs I follow.. I thought.. WOW... that so speaks to me.
Do you ever just come across things that speak worlds to you? I use to go to this church in Athens, AL. Every Sunday God spoke to me. I could go in there with any question heavy on my mind, and the preacher would start talking about it. I would be amazed. I love that place. I let my harsh feelings out in tears each time I entered those doors. It was all good at that church until that made me feel like I never gave enough ... $$$$$ It was all about MONEY! Now why did they go and mess it up for me like that? ughhh Never went back. But I did get a lot out of it when I did go.

Back to this picture.. Man... this is what Brian says to me. I need you not to be sad. Its hard to explain how depression can take over everything. Its not just one thing that makes you crash. Its the whole world around you. You break apart little by little until there is nothing left but SAD! Who will pick me up when I hit rock bottom? Or am I just sitting at the bottom of my PIT of sorrow and failure?

Did you end become all you wanted to be? Did life turn out the way you wanted it to? Is anyone out there really HAPPY with life?

Can you remember my smile? My laugh? Can you remember me the way I use to be?
Before my body got huge, before my emotions took over? Before I came in LAST PLACE? Before I lost all hope and zest for life?
I wonder if that's what Brian holds on to.... a memory! Because I am a empty shell of nothingness. I no longer hope or dream... I no longer want more or less. I just exist to live another day doing the same thing over and over. My boring life ...a nanny, a housemaid, a admin. asst working on invoices.

For one more day, remember me the way I use to be and not what I have become.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Ahhhh BLOG how I miss you...How alone I am with out you ....

Life has been crazy busy and down right boring all at the same time.

Ready for the shocker? My mother came for a visit. YIKES.. I know. The visit was long enough and just right. I felt like I bored her a lot. She just happen to come when my life was on my mind more than usual. So I was tired and wore out most of her visit. Now that she is gone... my life seems distant and disconnected. I am depressed more now than I ever was when the twins first came. The constant feeling of being a failure at life infest my mind. Deep depression surrounds me like a sickness no one can shake. Daily I pick apart my life one section at a time. My weight ( HUGE AND FAT), My looks ( UGLY), My kids ( disrespectful, rude, self centered) My marriage (routine, sexless, dull). I tell my husband I wish I would die on the way to work in a car accident. That way the family could live off of my life insurance. Then our money problems and my sadness would be gone. YES I am taking my meds. But it seems like LIFE just doesn't change no matter how much ZOLOFT you choke down your throat. ya know...

I was at a point where I was trying to make friends. I wanted to be apart of different groups. Now I find myself just wanting to be alone. ( well alone with my babies)

After a dozen years of reaching out at different people, I finally came to see the light that all I need is to just be left alone. I no longer need the company of others to make myself complete.

I still wish I wasn't so down in the dumps. I can't seem to pick myself up and it just gets worse. Will it ever get better? I am faced with the same bills trying to catch up and then Christmas for 4 kids. YIKES. How do you apply to be a angel on the Angel tree? hahahahha

Well that is all I have to share for now. Maybe one day I will write again with more exciting news.

........Never let anyone know your full potential

I say this to myself all the time. Never let people know just how wonderful you are at things or they will always expect your best. Giving them your Best here and there makes you seem SPECIAL and REWARDED! But never ever let them see you coming with your best foot first. hahhahahahah

I have always said that to myself about many many things. I just have to have a little giggle inside for that comment. okay a big laugh! hahahhahahaha

On a side note:

I had a friend tell me I was a great " MOTHER " today. I have never thought I was great by any means. I mess up more than I make things right. But it did feel good to know she thought I had it together. I guess being a good mother to me is not being MY MOTHER. I love my mother. But only because she gave me life. Other than that.... it ends there.

I have to say.... I believe the rich people drink WINE and are so calm and cool. " awww look my kids are playing in the street" BIG WAVE " Hi sweetheart, mommy loves you"

People like me that never DRINK or SMOKE or have ever done any kind of drugs... JUST YELL!

All jacked up mad looking " GET YOUR #$@@ OUT OF THE STREET RIGHT NOW! "

I think everyday, If I could just take up drinking heavy and maybe some " i don't give a crap" painkillers... I Could be a really COOL CALM mom! I would hear all the neighbors comment... on how sweet and wonderful I am with my kids. hahhahah

Makes you laugh doesn't it.

Just to think...back in my day we jumped on a trampoline with out NETS protecting us! OH MY!

We rode on my parents lap down the road and they let us steer the car... WITH OUT SEAT BELTS! ( OH MY GOODNESS)

Wait did my mom ever ask me around the age of 12 " What kind of wine cooler do you want?" Really loud at the liquor store? hahhaha YEP!

Come to think of it maybe she had a few beers before she said that. hahhahaha

The key to getting what you wanted from her was to ask right after she took some VALUM...

" Hey mom, I know I'm only 15 and have never drove by myself, but you don't mind if I take myself to work at WINN DIXIE do you? SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEE Honey go ahead she would say. COOL!!!!

I suck at being a mom. But I guess I just love the job. Even with all the rolling of the eyes from my Shelby and being ignored by my son Tristan. I'm telling you those TWINS are PERFECT! hahahahh Maybe because they haven't reached that point yet.

Okay I have said way too much on here today. Got carried away with the laughs deep down inside my big head.

If only... right?

Sunday, October 05, 2008

So much going on ....

Im so stressed to the max lately. I feel like a complete failure. My bills are so far behind. 2 car payments, a house payment. ughhh its horrible. I don't know if I will ever catch up. I want to cut off my cell phones... they do nothing but drop calls anyway and I am either at home or work. So use of a phone could always be near. But getting a home phone is 150.00, don't know why its some crazy jacked up amount when it will only cost 25.00 a month. Then I thought I would leech off of a neighbor for some Internet, so I turned in my modem. Well guess what...THEY MOVED! No Internet anymore. ughhhh I can't catch a break, can I ?

I need to work more and more and more and that means being away from the babies.

The house is constant work for me and between that and everything else...there is NO TIME for me or my weight issues. ughhhh I guess I could starve myself. But what I want is to feel good. My knees and back are killing me and i know its the weight.

My relationships with friends are suffering. I have one friend I know Im on her last nerve and she is very distant. It makes it hard to bond closer when I feel like a nail in her shoe. A life long friend that I question if I need to talk to at all anymore. Parents that are just non-existent. A sister that is sitting up in the county jail because she robbed some lady at KMART of her Purse. OMG! Crack whore sally is going to serve some time. A family that doesn't help me out around the house and I am killing myself to keep up with things.

I spend all day alone at the house, Alone in my office at work. My nights and weekends away from my older children and the babies because Im at work.

Medical bills are coming in piles at the house. Crazy madness.

What do you pay first the house payment or the electric bill?

The water bill or the car payment.

Every since I had the twins and Brian was laid off ...we slowly kept slipping into this PIT.

Now we are over 30 days late on everything and it SUCKS!

I really don't know what else to do anymore. My head hurts thinking about it. Maybe stress will kick in and I will lose weight from being stressed. OH could I be so lucky? Probably not. ugh

Well Im off to get some HEALTHY food for the house. I need a support group of really happy women ..who would just lift me up. Im having a hard time picking myself up, even though I am medicated.

I really believe my mother's mental health issues...are in me. I feel it taking over the older I get. I spend my whole life trying not to become her. When in the end... I think I am bound to be the crazy old lady that doesn't remember anything.

Oh well, I won't know what I am missing, right?

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

poetic memory

the brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory & which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful.
-milan kundera, the unbearable lightness of being

Hard to find quiet moments to post...

I know its been a while since I lasted posted. I have so many things running threw my head.

Its so hard to find quiet moments I can just write what I want.

First I would like to say it is very important you marry your best friend. I love my husband more and more everyday. He is just a different person these days. He prays... he lifts me up when he doesn't even know it. Besides that he tells me a zillion times that he loves me. Tops it off with how pretty I am ( we know that's a lie). What a amazing man he is. Just for putting up with me alone should give him HUGE Kudos. I'm so glad God blessed me with him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGIA... My dog is 4 yrs old today. Yea...

but she did crap in my floor in the middle of the night a few nights ago and that really made me mad.

My babies are growing up so fast and strong. I enjoy them each and everyday. Its been a long 3 1/2 months of getting to know each other but in the end .. I'M HOOKED on them.

Watching them smile ..just melts my heart. Make it all worth it. I use to think...." WHAT DID I DO???" But not anymore. I just feel so blessed and loved each and every day they are here.

My life was never complete with out them.

Tristan is the little sunshine of my day. At 8 yrs old he is super handsome and really sweet. He just takes my breathe away each time I see him. His loving touch is the ray of light on my day.
One day I hope he will know that for every time he tells me he loves me and still lets me pet on him.... is another moment he keeps me from deep depression.
I have a picture of him on this post. He got my camera phone and took a picture of his self. I LOVE IT! Its almost as if he is looking in on me and smiling.
The older I get the harder I find it to stay in focus with friendships. I am either just bored with someone, just do not click, out of touch or just plain do not like someone after a while.
I find it hard to carry a on going conversation. I'm just in a different world ... I guess.
Once again, glad I married my best friend.
My stress level is up ....big time.
Headaches are back in full effect and I can't stay with a clear thought. It bugs me...
If I start to think about the way I look, I get really depressed.
I have to work on that BIG TIME! I would love to be a different looking person by next summer. I believe I can do it too.
My parents are flying to Tampa this week. They are going deep sea fishing, and swim with dolphins. What part of this crushes me is ...we barely speak. They have nothing to do with my kids and me. They will not come here for a visit. But will go on vacation and say they do not have the money to travel here. They poor mouth everything and drive BMW's and have every toy known to man. We don't even rank in the top 10 of their lives on this earth.
No matter how much I don't want it to effect me.. it crushes me. I feel no love from them at all.
It wouldn't matter if we never spoke at all ...ever again.
I'm so done.... they will be lonely old people in a old folks home. FOR REAL with NO VISITORS!
My sister is a crack whore that lives with her PIMP. How the heck did I turn out half way normal. Okay people I said HALF WAY for real.
Im getting direct tv today...wooo hoooo no more comporium.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Can not seem to pick myself up out of UGLY....

A long time ago, I believe I was pretty. Never super skinny, but a normal size. I had self confidence and a passion for life and those around me. Now I feel as if I can't seem to pick myself up out of ugly. Yes you read that correctly. U_G_L_Y Besides the fact that just having given birth to twins 3 months ago... I still have the reflection in the mirror that makes my own skin crawl. I hold my head down low and never want to look anyone in the eyes. I bring my own self down as well as those around me. I hate that! My husband gained weight. I know he is depressed. My teenage daughter is over weight as well. She seems to be the only one OKAY with it. I don't see there being any hope for me. Maybe I am just too far gone. I had a coworker say to me " that looks like your daughter". She was looking at my drivers license from just 3 yrs ago. WHAT? Am I that butt ass ugly now? I must be... because that didn't make me feel good about myself. Im gross and I know it. I find it hard with a house, 4 kids and a husband ...not to mention twin babies and a part time job. To find time to work out or work on myself. I tend to come dead last. I color my hair to cover the gray. I keep a fairly neat house....and I try my best to take the best possible care of all of my family. But I just can't seem to fit " ME" into 24 hours in my day. Will that ever change? It would be easier to stop eating then it would be to go to the gym. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I look like this. ughhhh Im only 34, life can not be over.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Look what I did Becki!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Turn the channel

Do you ever notice when women find out they are preggo they start watching all the baby birthing shows on TV. A baby story, or one of those shows on discovery health. Heck they are on all day long. But for real folks, how many times are you going to watch a women give birth? Sooner or later its going to hit you... Man that looks like it hurts. She looks like she is in a lot of pain. OH man they broke out the vacuum to get that baby out. YEP save yourself the panic and STOP WATCHING other women suffer. Plus even with the blurry mark over her MUFF, you still didn't need to see all that from a stranger. YUCK!
Its just way too emotional...TURN THE CHANNEL

Random thought: How do you know your in front of the TV way too much?
... you look at the clock and see that it is 11am and first thought in your head is.. "PRICES RIGHT is ON"


( EXCEPT WHIPEOUT! That show is too funny)

Okay I say that now and I just thought...the new road rules, real world challenge comes on tonight on MTV. See TV is poison. hahhahaha

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

from my good friend Becki in OHIO..... Quote for the day. TOO FUNNY!!!

Quote for the day: "Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."

Monday, September 08, 2008

Do you know you look like a DORK???

I was sitting at work tonight and thought to myself as I listen to a Sugarland song....Does he know he looks like a dork? I am referring to Kristian Bush. Since the 3rd band member left he just sticks out like a complete dork. Here Jennifer Nettles sings her heart out and sounds great while he stands to the side and rocks his head up and down and plays the guitar. DORK DORK DORK! I love SUGARLAND, but come on .... your just in the back up band Kristian. Seriously.... Jennifer leads the pack and your nothing. You barely ever do back up vocals. The band just seems very unbalanced since the departure of Kristen Hall. Bring back the big girl!!!

...JUST one more...BUT JUST ONE!

I remember not wanting more kids. I thought to myself....." people who have big families are CRAZY!!!" My husband comes from a family of 6. He has 1 sister and 2 brothers. Since the day I met him, I knew he wanted a big family. But NOT ME!!!! I grew up with one sister BETH and she was adopted when I was 10 yrs old. It was great having a sister, but I soon realized, the more people in the family the less you get a Christmas. hahhaha
In the beginning of our marriage I really did want a son. I had never had a brother and thought how nice it would be to raise a little boy. So after 2 yrs with my husband we tried and right off we had a little boy. Soon after he was born my husband would say... " I WANT MORE KIDS" ummm lets talk about it in 5 yrs. My thought process was not to have 2 in daycare. But soon those 5 yrs flew by and he was asking...when would we have more kids. He loved being a dad and wanted to fill the house up with the pitter patter of little feet. BUT..... NOT ME!
Soon it became a huge problem in our relationship, me not wanting more kids ( why would I? I had a boy and a girl already) and Brian wanting to fill the house up.
So at the age of 33, I agreed ...JUST one more. JUST ONE!!! I thought if we had a girl together he would feel complete and I could turn my uterus OFF! But as God's hands would have it.. I became pregnant with TWINS! I remember the doctor telling me it was for sure twins and they had strong heartbeats. I about broke in to tears, as my husband exploded with joy. I thought OMG, 2 babies....I will pull my hair out. I had only agreed to ONE MORE. Call it the buy one get one free or 2 for one special.
My pregnancy was HARD...So hard that I cried almost every day and thought to myself. WHAT DID I DO???? But I just wanted to post I watch my babies grow and grow up fast. That I love them more now than ever. Even with out sleep at night...even with out clean clothes ( because I always have some sort of spit up on my shirt) ...even if I can't seem to keep the house in order. I love them with all my heart and soul. I want to almost cry at how fast they have grown up in the past 3 months. I make sure to fill my days up with TONS OF SWEET KISSES. Lots of little fingers grabbing mine so tight. Petting their sweet soft skin a zillion times in hopes that I don't forget how it feels. I light up at the sight of them smiling back at me all threw my day. Who could ever be sad or down when you have that face looking back at you with a great big grin plastered from ear to ear? I never in a million years thought I would say this... But I am going to miss them being babies. Time goes by way to fast and they are just way too sweet.
I wondered why GOD gave me these great big hips later in life... it was to carry the load of 2 sweet babies. Okay.... now give me my hot body back, GOD! HAHHAHAH

So when the world is quiet and the day is slow... I want you to know, deep down matter how much I never wanted it.... I AM THANKFUL and BLESSED!

Now for the shocker... MY HUSBAND WANTS MORE KIDS...
Oh he is so SOL... for real its not going to happen and I mean it this time. 2 boys, 2 girls and a body gone to hell in hand basket. IM DONE! Im going to leave it all for his next wife to fill his house with kids. He can make sure to take his 3 with him when he leaves.

So Christy, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Im not having anymore. But I do enjoy the ones I do have. Besides Shelby's back talk and rolling of the eyes, Tristan's nagging " can I ?" NOOOO " well can I now?" ughhh and most of all MY GOD PEOPLE I HAVE TWINS>>> thats not double the work thats 10 million times the work. Plus Kagan and Kaibre will grow up to be Shelby and Tristan!

SO when people say " are these your first" My my noooooooooooooo But they are my LAST"
I would not be sad at all if I won the lottery and could get a nanny. hahhaha

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Another Random thought....

So I have had a really bad day. I think my after the twins meds just stopped working. My nerves are just tore up by the middle of the afternoon. I just don't feel like myself and more important I don't feel like I could take one more second of certain things.

Back to my random thought...

I love my job. I do it and go home. I mean I would love to be a forensic pathologist. But for many reasons I didn't get to go to school for that. Sooo No dead bodies for me to pick apart.

You know what I was thinking...

No matter how bad your day at work might be... Someone out there is cleaning toliets at a rest stop. NOW that would SUCK to know you were going to work to clean a toliet that many many butts have been sitting on all day. YUCK>

There are many special jobs out there.

People that work at old folks homes...( someone has to wipe old people butt)

People that work on cleaning up dead animals off roadways.( the odor or the bugs ughhh)

People that give pedicures... ( some people have nasty feet )

Prison guards ( never safe and who wants to see that... NOT ME)

My list could go on and on... but right now...I am thinking that has to be the worst job I can think of.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Are they identical?

For the record, you can not have identical boy/girl twins. I don't know how many times a day I get asked.... " ARE THEY Identical?" ughhh NO! or " Are they twins?" Nahhhh just born on the same day. hahahhaha
Its like when ever you go out in public .. Your the freak show. Its just two babies people. For real.... its not a 2 headed baby.
We must get stopped a zillion times. It would be nice to go out one day with out getting stopped and be able to shop or do something with out a crowd.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

sometimes i just need to remind myself...

Christian Ways to Reduce Stress...
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19 Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus ."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33 . Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.

To love the DOG or HATE the DOG!.... that is the question

So my dog Georgia stays under my feet 24/7. Not sure why she thinks she has to, but she does. Yesterday morning I went and Plopped down on the couch and it was wet. WHY is the Couch wet? She runs to the back room with her head down. YEP ...She peed all over it. That and the babies boppy pillows. How nasty! Now my couch smells of PISS!

Brian tells me to get rid of her. ughhhh I'm I let her go or still work with the situation. I don't know what the future holds for Georgia and this family. I mean if she keeps up this behavior, I am going to have to find her a new home. I could put her in her crate, but she will just huff and puff and want out. More work for me. I am beating myself up about this.

I do not believe in beating a dog, so i put her in time out for most of the day. She had to stay in the back room on her pillow. Every time she came out... I said " NO NO you pee peed on my couch" she went back to the room with her head down. She knew she had done wrong.

So the question still stands... Does Georgia stay or does Georgia go?

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

If Noah and his 3 son's are the only ones that survived the flood....does that mean we have some serious cousin lovin going on in the world?

As I listen to the sounds of the twins grunting in the background ... I wonder when I will ever have time to BLOG. But I feel like I have a million things rushing threw my mind that I want to say. Say to someone... anyone that would listen to me. But for the most part my days are spent alone. Alone with the twins at home during the day, then I rush off to work where I sit alone in quiet office and work. The quiet at work is nice, but it makes my night drag out and I watch the clock way too much. Maybe I want to go home early or maybe I want to work later. Just depends on that day. Today, I can not wait to get to work. I guess you could say its my break from my world at home. But then when I am at work, I worry about the babies. If they are crying, if they need anything. I worry about the mess that might be being made. After I work so hard to make it all clean. ughhhh it never ends.

I thought I would start over and delete old post and start some new ones.

Random thoughts lately...

Why to we get on to our kids for things we do ourselves? PUT THAT UP, CLEAN THAT UP...
But when you look around... some adult in the house is just as guilty for the same things.

I had a few more thoughts but they ran away when I was writing this one.

The stress of motherhood has taken me beyond the 50mg of Zoloft the doctor things i need to level me off. I don't feel distant with the babies anymore. But still do not feel the bond I had with Shelby and Tristan. I love them more and more each day. I love to see them smile back at me and light up when I enter the room. Makes me feel loved. But I feel the struggle of holding down the house and kids. Not to mention still finding time to go to work to make the bills balance ( which hasn't happened yet. we are still in the hole).
I wonder if things will change or only get worse. Last Sunday I felt like I just couldn't find me all day. Like no matter what I did... or where I went.. I got more and more upset for no reason at all. I couldn't find balance in myself or my day. I thought about calling the doctor to say... I need stronger meds. But in the long run, I would like to stop taking these at the 6mo mark. I only started them because I couldn't stop crying all the time.

Yesterday I cried a lot. Just sitting at my desk at work I would break down. Mostly because of all the bullshit that was going on at home with Shelby and Brian.

I really need to focus on my weightloss and well being. Seriously.... Im not finding much of myself left anymore. That would be sad for the world to lose such a wonderful person such as myself. hahahha just kidding.

I thought I would have a lot to say in this blog today...But all I can think of is... I need to get in the shower.

Oh well...