Wednesday, December 31, 2008
If he's ever ignored you, hasn't done what he KNOWS will make you happy, acted like he "forgot"to do the things that make you happy - orDELIBERATELY set out to hurt you by not doing what makes you happy or DOING what makes you UNHAPPY -I know how unappreciated you feel. And what's so amazing, is that this kind of thing is sometimes the EASIEST thing to FIX! The trick here is to completely turn around the way he sees you, the way he experiences you, and the way he feels compelled to ACT around you -basically to rewire his responses - and as hard as it sounds - it's not - you can do it (if I did, any woman can). The simplest, fastest way to start this in motion is to Appreciate Yourself. Okay - this is like cheating, because it's whatyou read in magazines - it's the EASY thing to"say." And yet, I know, if you're anything like me,saying "I'll appreciate myself" is anything BUTeasy. So - this step is more about a new Tool for appreciating yourself that IS easy - and fast. Try this: Step 1. Every time something happens that doesn't feel good - at work or with your man -check in on how you're feeling and what comes to your mind to say in response. Chances are your first impulse is to blame someone - either the person at work or your man. And right after you think of that - if you're like me - you go right to blaming YOURSELF. (This is really the same for all of us - someof us HIDE our people-pleasing instincts and desire to beat ourselves up about things - but those impulses still have really LOUD voices inside us and sometimes those voices make usdo things that don't serve us at all.) And then, we might go to blaming our "luck" or someone from long ago, or our parents...and by that time we've dragged down our energy and then our spirits go spiraling down, too. So - you might find yourself blaming your manor yourself or someone else out loud, or keeping it to yourself, but that's where you're putting your energy (as it's going downhill). Step 1 is simply to NOTICE yourself doing this.That's all - just notice. Then... Step 2. Immediately wrap your arms around yourself, hold on, hug yourself hard, and say -out loud if you can - "WOW - I'm so brilliant to have caught myself blaming him, and me, and thatother thing! I'm amazing! I'm so amazing because I'm able to SEE how amazing I am! My only job isto love myself - and what in INCREDIBLE job I'm doing right this minute of loving myself. Wow - I am hugging myself even though things don't feel good - I'm just wonderful!" If you're in the middle of a date, or a business conference, or at a party - take yourself to the bathroom to hug yourself - don't put it off to later if you can help it - the faster you stepin after the "Blaming" voices start up, the BETTER. 3. Now - Step Three is what you do after you hug yourself. And it's got to be something completely DIFFERENT than what you normally do when a man does something that sets you off. So, try this: If he's forgotten to do the last-minute shopping he promised to do, or to take out the trash, or if his idea of a New Year's date is"hanging out - maybe" - or if he hasn't called at all - or that person at work who makes your life"difficult" has gotten even more intense - ask yourself (after the hug) what it is you WANT todo. See if you can come up with your NORMAL response - your normal, usual impulse in this situation. Is it to tell him what an idiot he is? Is it to try to make suggestions for him? Is it to reason with him about his promises and how you feel about it when he doesn't do what he say she'll do (like call)? Is it to go out with girlfriends some place loud where you can't talk to anyone and most often don't have a very good time? Now - DO SOMETHING ELSE. (It really helps if you'll sit down, right now,and make yourself a list. I call this a CHANNELING list, and my new Circular Dating program will tell you exactly how to work this list - for now, just make a long, long, thorough list of things you LIKE to do, things that feel GOOD when you do them, and that take your mind off your "blame" thoughts. If "blame" has given way to ANGER right now -that's GOOD! (On your list, make sure you write things that you need a LOT of energy for - running, volunteering for something for your community that requires physical effort, taking an art class or adance class - and put a little star by those things to let you know they're good for whenyou're ANGRY.) So pick something off your list - the more physical the better - and DO IT. If you're at work, or in the middle of a dinner party, or in the middle of a date - I know you can't just run out to the yoga studio or walk in the park - but you CAN (especially if you're inthe bathroom already, hugging yourself) do SOMETHING very different from what you'd usually do . You can look at yourself in the mirror and touch your face with love and total attention. You can write a quick, wildly loving poem to yourself (grab your purse with a small journal and pencil in it at all times when you walk away froma "blaming" situation to hug yourself in abathroom or back room). If you've been standing with your man, having what could so easily turn into an argument, and then excused yourself to go to the bathroom or bedroom to hug yourself, perhaps you don't have to do ANYTHING! That's right. Perhaps it's DONE. No closure, agreement, or discussion required. Or - you could come back and say something like"This feels so bad. We seem to always argue over the same things...is there something I should know? Are you angry with me? Is it something I'm doing that's making it so hard for us to communicate? I'd really like to listen to you if you have any ideas about how we can solve these things. What do you think?" Now - this is pretty advanced communication. Not only are you appreciating YOURSELF - you're appreciating HIM. And how does this work to turn HIM around? To instantly make him appreciate you? Because he WANTS to appreciate you.&nb sp; He really does. He's just blocked from it because of his own issues - including basic male cluelessness. So the moment he EXPERIENCES you appreciating YOURSELF - he FEELS better. And then when you add to that by GENUINELY(can't fake this, remember) appreciating HIM -he's blown away. It's like the way we feel when a man impulsively, out of the blue, walks over to us, takes us in his arms and gives us a gentle, sweet kiss. We just feel good, we forget about the icky stuff, we move from a tight, defensive place to awarm, open, loving and feeling loved place. And the same thing happens to him. Only, for him, it's not reaching over to kiss him that does it for him. It's Appreciating him. Exactly the way he is. And when you can do that in a tense, upsetting moment, when you can listen to him and hang onto your own feelings and words while he's talking - it's like MAGIC for him. He appreciates you because he feels accepted for who he is, and appreciated for who he is - byYOU! Turning your relationship around by BEING the things you want to be with your man (like sensual, enjoying all the wonderful things y our man does for you, receiving all the love he gives you...all the things you want) will actually make him want to DO all that for you.
Monday, December 29, 2008
How do you love 2 people and they are the ones to distroy all you have left in HOPE and TRUST.
I wish I could let it go. I wish I could forget...but it never goes away. Its always in the back of my mind and pushes forward. I hope in the new year that all of my anger and hurt will just go away.
Live my life for the new and not for the old. I shouldn't even write about this.. I want to let go. But i just needed to say it out loud.
Friday, December 26, 2008
think of 10 things you’re really good at.or even that you’re really okay at.“I AM GREAT AT ____________!”make a list!use a thesaurus & replace the word “great” with a synonym.discover you’re extraordinary.
I took this off a blog i follow....
Now... whats hard is finding something your great at.....Im great at being really MEAN. I don't think that makes me extraordinary. ughhh
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Do you ever just come across things that speak worlds to you? I use to go to this church in Athens, AL. Every Sunday God spoke to me. I could go in there with any question heavy on my mind, and the preacher would start talking about it. I would be amazed. I love that place. I let my harsh feelings out in tears each time I entered those doors. It was all good at that church until that made me feel like I never gave enough ... $$$$$ It was all about MONEY! Now why did they go and mess it up for me like that? ughhh Never went back. But I did get a lot out of it when I did go.
Back to this picture.. Man... this is what Brian says to me. I need you not to be sad. Its hard to explain how depression can take over everything. Its not just one thing that makes you crash. Its the whole world around you. You break apart little by little until there is nothing left but SAD! Who will pick me up when I hit rock bottom? Or am I just sitting at the bottom of my PIT of sorrow and failure?
Did you end become all you wanted to be? Did life turn out the way you wanted it to? Is anyone out there really HAPPY with life?
Can you remember my smile? My laugh? Can you remember me the way I use to be?
Before my body got huge, before my emotions took over? Before I came in LAST PLACE? Before I lost all hope and zest for life?
I wonder if that's what Brian holds on to.... a memory! Because I am a empty shell of nothingness. I no longer hope or dream... I no longer want more or less. I just exist to live another day doing the same thing over and over. My boring life ...a nanny, a housemaid, a admin. asst working on invoices.
For one more day, remember me the way I use to be and not what I have become.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
A long time ago, I believe I was pretty. Never super skinny, but a normal size. I had self confidence and a passion for life and those around me. Now I feel as if I can't seem to pick myself up out of ugly. Yes you read that correctly. U_G_L_Y Besides the fact that just having given birth to twins 3 months ago... I still have the reflection in the mirror that makes my own skin crawl. I hold my head down low and never want to look anyone in the eyes. I bring my own self down as well as those around me. I hate that! My husband gained weight. I know he is depressed. My teenage daughter is over weight as well. She seems to be the only one OKAY with it. I don't see there being any hope for me. Maybe I am just too far gone. I had a coworker say to me " that looks like your daughter". She was looking at my drivers license from just 3 yrs ago. WHAT? Am I that butt ass ugly now? I must be... because that didn't make me feel good about myself. Im gross and I know it. I find it hard with a house, 4 kids and a husband ...not to mention twin babies and a part time job. To find time to work out or work on myself. I tend to come dead last. I color my hair to cover the gray. I keep a fairly neat house....and I try my best to take the best possible care of all of my family. But I just can't seem to fit " ME" into 24 hours in my day. Will that ever change? It would be easier to stop eating then it would be to go to the gym. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I look like this. ughhhh Im only 34, life can not be over.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Its just way too emotional...TURN THE CHANNEL
Random thought: How do you know your in front of the TV way too much?
... you look at the clock and see that it is 11am and first thought in your head is.. "PRICES RIGHT is ON"
TURN THE TV OFF PEOPLE..... ITS BORING!!!
( EXCEPT WHIPEOUT! That show is too funny)
Okay I say that now and I just thought...the new road rules, real world challenge comes on tonight on MTV. See TV is poison. hahhahaha
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Monday, September 08, 2008
In the beginning of our marriage I really did want a son. I had never had a brother and thought how nice it would be to raise a little boy. So after 2 yrs with my husband we tried and right off we had a little boy. Soon after he was born my husband would say... " I WANT MORE KIDS" ummm lets talk about it in 5 yrs. My thought process was not to have 2 in daycare. But soon those 5 yrs flew by and he was asking...when would we have more kids. He loved being a dad and wanted to fill the house up with the pitter patter of little feet. BUT..... NOT ME!
Soon it became a huge problem in our relationship, me not wanting more kids ( why would I? I had a boy and a girl already) and Brian wanting to fill the house up.
So at the age of 33, I agreed ...JUST one more. JUST ONE!!! I thought if we had a girl together he would feel complete and I could turn my uterus OFF! But as God's hands would have it.. I became pregnant with TWINS! I remember the doctor telling me it was for sure twins and they had strong heartbeats. I about broke in to tears, as my husband exploded with joy. I thought OMG, 2 babies....I will pull my hair out. I had only agreed to ONE MORE. Call it the buy one get one free or 2 for one special.
My pregnancy was HARD...So hard that I cried almost every day and thought to myself. WHAT DID I DO???? But I just wanted to post today...as I watch my babies grow and grow up fast. That I love them more now than ever. Even with out sleep at night...even with out clean clothes ( because I always have some sort of spit up on my shirt) ...even if I can't seem to keep the house in order. I love them with all my heart and soul. I want to almost cry at how fast they have grown up in the past 3 months. I make sure to fill my days up with TONS OF SWEET KISSES. Lots of little fingers grabbing mine so tight. Petting their sweet soft skin a zillion times in hopes that I don't forget how it feels. I light up at the sight of them smiling back at me all threw my day. Who could ever be sad or down when you have that face looking back at you with a great big grin plastered from ear to ear? I never in a million years thought I would say this... But I am going to miss them being babies. Time goes by way to fast and they are just way too sweet.
I wondered why GOD gave me these great big hips later in life... it was to carry the load of 2 sweet babies. Okay.... now give me my hot body back, GOD! HAHHAHAH
So when the world is quiet and the day is slow... I want you to know, deep down inside...no matter how much I never wanted it.... I AM THANKFUL and BLESSED!
Now for the shocker... MY HUSBAND WANTS MORE KIDS...
Oh he is so SOL... for real its not going to happen and I mean it this time. 2 boys, 2 girls and a body gone to hell in hand basket. IM DONE! Im going to leave it all for his next wife to fill his house with kids. He can make sure to take his 3 with him when he leaves.
So Christy, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Im not having anymore. But I do enjoy the ones I do have. Besides Shelby's back talk and rolling of the eyes, Tristan's nagging " can I ?" NOOOO " well can I now?" ughhh and most of all MY GOD PEOPLE I HAVE TWINS>>> thats not double the work thats 10 million times the work. Plus Kagan and Kaibre will grow up to be Shelby and Tristan!
SO when people say " are these your first" My my noooooooooooooo But they are my LAST"
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19 Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus ."
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33 . Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.
So my dog Georgia stays under my feet 24/7. Not sure why she thinks she has to, but she does. Yesterday morning I went and Plopped down on the couch and it was wet. WHY is the Couch wet? She runs to the back room with her head down. YEP ...She peed all over it. That and the babies boppy pillows. How nasty! Now my couch smells of PISS!
Brian tells me to get rid of her. ughhhh I'm torn...do I let her go or still work with the situation. I don't know what the future holds for Georgia and this family. I mean if she keeps up this behavior, I am going to have to find her a new home. I could put her in her crate, but she will just huff and puff and want out. More work for me. I am beating myself up about this.
I do not believe in beating a dog, so i put her in time out for most of the day. She had to stay in the back room on her pillow. Every time she came out... I said " NO NO you pee peed on my couch" she went back to the room with her head down. She knew she had done wrong.
So the question still stands... Does Georgia stay or does Georgia go?
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
If Noah and his 3 son's are the only ones that survived the flood....does that mean we have some serious cousin lovin going on in the world?
I thought I would start over and delete old post and start some new ones.
Random thoughts lately...
Why to we get on to our kids for things we do ourselves? PUT THAT UP, CLEAN THAT UP...
But when you look around... some adult in the house is just as guilty for the same things.
I had a few more thoughts but they ran away when I was writing this one.
The stress of motherhood has taken me beyond the 50mg of Zoloft the doctor things i need to level me off. I don't feel distant with the babies anymore. But still do not feel the bond I had with Shelby and Tristan. I love them more and more each day. I love to see them smile back at me and light up when I enter the room. Makes me feel loved. But I feel the struggle of holding down the house and kids. Not to mention still finding time to go to work to make the bills balance ( which hasn't happened yet. we are still in the hole).
I wonder if things will change or only get worse. Last Sunday I felt like I just couldn't find me all day. Like no matter what I did... or where I went.. I got more and more upset for no reason at all. I couldn't find balance in myself or my day. I thought about calling the doctor to say... I need stronger meds. But in the long run, I would like to stop taking these at the 6mo mark. I only started them because I couldn't stop crying all the time.
Yesterday I cried a lot. Just sitting at my desk at work I would break down. Mostly because of all the bullshit that was going on at home with Shelby and Brian.
I really need to focus on my weightloss and well being. Seriously.... Im not finding much of myself left anymore. That would be sad for the world to lose such a wonderful person such as myself. hahahha just kidding.
I thought I would have a lot to say in this blog today...But all I can think of is... I need to get in the shower.