Friday, December 26, 2008


i am wonderful.

think of 10 things you’re really good at.or even that you’re really okay at.“I AM GREAT AT ____________!”make a list!use a thesaurus & replace the word “great” with a you’re extraordinary.

I took this off a blog i follow....
Now... whats hard is finding something your great at.....Im great at being really MEAN. I don't think that makes me extraordinary. ughhh

Random thoughts that dance threw my head

Christmas sucks every year. I never get anything from my husband or kids. He never sits down with them to even make me a card. I should be use to it now going on 11 -12 yrs right? Nope it still bothers me.

My husband and I fought a lot on Christmas, so that was bad too. He just crawled under my skin about everything. Being rude...every chance he got. He went to his parents house. Dropped his babies off at the door and went in the back and went to sleep. Guess who was at home cleaning... ME! No one offered to help either. Merry Christmas to me once again!

My kids are ungrateful. That act like its NEVER ENOUGH and that BOTHERS me to the Core! ughhhh Make me hate holidays! Really it does!

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like the straight man walking into a GAY bar ( picture it in a 80's movie way). That's what I feel like when I am around the stepford wives. They all dress alike, talk alike and rich as hell. Talk about out of place. Every time I am in a group setting of " Playgroups" or " certain meetings" that is the way I feel. I can't not and will not ever fit in. I do not have a nanny that takes care of my kids. I did not marry the rich man with a mansion. SO I just want to say.... that will never be me for many reasons. In those situations ..guess what? I GET REALLY QUIET! I know that's a shocker right?

So I joined Facebook, shocker right? So I am connect with all my OLD gang. Ones from Middle school all the way up to high school. BUT just one.. ONE of my friends won't accept me to be her friend on facebook. I noticed everyone else got her to accept them as friends. One of them even told her to accept me. Nothing... not one peep from her. Not like my life is over not speaking to her after all of these years. ALMOST 20 yrs.. YIKES! But needless to say it bothers me!

After my last post on my blog, we all know I am broken. Broken in many ways...

Now I keep getting asked, whats wrong? I would love to invite those people to read my blog, so that i don't have to explain it a million times. But then again, do I really want them knowing where I write all my deep dark thoughts? NOooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Then they might read about them one day. Not good .. not good. So if you don't know about my blog, I will keep it to myself. Note: When someone is broken, they are not going to just open up to any stranger / Friend and tell them what is wrong. I don't trust ANYONE! So there for I am not close with ANYONE! I will not be telling you that kind of stuff.

Back to the title of my BLOG NO ONE to TELL. No one to trust to tell either.

So my grandmother has all but given up on life. After my uncle died 6mo ago.. it has been hard on her. The loss of a child can be hard on anyone. It has taken my grandmother down to " No will to live". Soooo next Wed. I will brave the highways from here in Charlotte...all the way to ATHENS ALABAMA. I love that women... I love her like a mother. I love her more than anyone really. She saved me from my hell many times..with her loving touch... her sweet treats..and her wisdom. Not to mention a sprinkle of stories while sitting on her porch swing in the summer time. When she wants you to come to lunch and sit on the porch.... you know your in for a treat.

She is my everything... my link to the past, my link to who I am and will be. To loose her will KILL ME! I will not miss a chance to see her. NEVER! No matter how much money we do not have... I will do ALL I can to make it there. If for nothing else.. a kiss and a hug.

I want everyone to know how much I love this women. I wish I could call her more, see her more and just be near her MORE! man.. im sad when she isn't feeling good. this stinks!

I am so fat! Have I mentioned how much that bothers me? IT DOES! I went from FAT ( before my twins) to really really really nasty FAT now.

ughhhhh kills me.

Okay I think im done with my random thoughts after Christmas.


Monday, December 22, 2008


I lost my mind! Its offical! I mean it! No kidding this time!
The house can not stay clean, the bills keep coming in, the endless things to do .... and to TOP it all off.. MY KIDS! Shelby and Tristan are very ungrateful kids. They expect the world! I want to give them COAL this year. I mean it! No Santa, no gifts from others. NOTHING! I can not stand that Shelby does nothing BUT LIE TO ME! Daily and with out reason. She will NOT HELP ME to save her life. You have to drill sgt. her to death to make her MOVE and I mean MOVE SLOW ! It crawls all over me how selfish and self centered she is.
Tristan talks to EVERYONE like they are CRAP that got tracked into the house. He has NO RESPECT for OTHERS ! I am so sick of it. He becomes helpless when it is time to clean up.
It drives me BONKERS! I am so over extended..So over stressed! TO CRY would only help a little ..but then I know I have to go back to living my life with THEM!
I never relax, I never slow down and I never have a feeling of Accomplishment. WHICH SUCKS!
On a side note.. when I buy things from people ( ie , craigslist, mommy's groups and so on) they all want me to come to their front door to pick it up. Of course they do, right?
But when I sale something. ... They expect me to deliver it to them. Make things right there when they walk out of their door. WHAT THE HELL?
SOooooo this lady writes me wanting something I am selling on craigslist.
What kind of idiot writes this?
I live in Charlotte can you meet me somewhere between Fort Mill and Charlotte
What is between Charlotte and Fort mill?A STATE LINE! The part where the road changes... the rest stop on either side of the line? What the HELL?
Im sick of it. Plain sick of it.
I need medication for anxiety! My panic, wanting to freak out.. its all taking over my daily life.
I scream, I yell and I am not a good person. If the house is a mess... it runs all over me... I live with the nastiest people on the planet. ughhhh
When the kids DO NOTHING but sit on a pedestal ... I want to kick them off and make them pick up the mess. I can't do it all and not being able to do it all... makes me ill.
I need to learn to relax! I think I need to start drinking some HARD Liquor.
I never did get Christmas cards out. That is like not making Black eyed peas on New years eve. What the hell is wrong me ? I didn't have enough time people... I can't spread out anymore.
I am writing this at work ...and that is VERY VERY BAD !
I run and I run.. and I run and I write myself notes, notes I can't find, I can't remember, I don't know why I am standing in a room, I don't know what I went to walmart for, I don't remember what I was suppose to do... Im going crazy! i know it... When I yell .. Inside I am saying " what are you doing, why are you freaking out? ITS OKAY .. SHUT UP... STOP" But I can't! I keep yelling! I keep freaking out. I want to leave the dishes and hold my babies and love on them. But there is too much to get done! I am missing out and can not stop myself from being so unhappy with the things around me. Its getting worse. I will have a clear thought and remember something and then I hear " MOMMY.... blah blah blah" Then I am back to not knowing why I am standing in my room with a blank face.
The other day, Shelby starts saying something in the kitchen, I can not hear her I say " WHAT?" A zillion times, while my babies are both crying, while I was emailing someone back about picking up or dropping off something for a family in need. While Tristan is asking me something on the side ... and do you know what she wanted?????
She wanted to know.. WHY there was PEPPER in the SALT shaker! OMG OMG OMG
So my life had to stop so I could go in there and hear what she kept repeating over and over that I could not hear. So by then, I HAD LOST IT, MY MIND.. I wanted to cry! But instead ... I yelled at her. I had asked her to help me out...for ONE SECOND. Instead she kept repeating that from the kitchen. She blew up my cell phone the other day when she got out of school. I hung up on her because all I heard was everyone else in the halls. NOT what she was saying. Babies woke up from their naps, Needed to be changed and fed and my hands were full. She kept calling.
I thought to myself...someone better be DEAD!
Finally I pick up the phone and say.. WHAT SHELBY...
She said, I forgot to by a sweatshirt at lunch and they only sale them on Thur. I guess I am going to have to go to the office tomorrow before school starts.
My point is.. THIS COULD NOT WAIT UNTIL she got home in 10 min to tell me?
She needed to call me, no less than 10 times back to back?
Tristan does the same thing to me. But I can't think straight right now to tell you a good story he has done lately. Most of my YELLING to him has been.. DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO DO THAT? WHY DID YOU THROW THAT IN FRONT OF THE FRONT DOOR? WHY IS THERE 10 MUDDY SHOES out here and I JUST TRIP ON THEM HOLDING ALL THIS STUFF!
WHY DID YOU DIG UP TRASH and put it in our YARD?
My nerves are bad. I think it runs in my family.
So I am announcing to the world that I , Maryanne Silvers... I am BROKEN!
Maybe I love being a mother .. .But shouldn't have had any.