Tuesday, September 02, 2008

If Noah and his 3 son's are the only ones that survived the flood....does that mean we have some serious cousin lovin going on in the world?

As I listen to the sounds of the twins grunting in the background ... I wonder when I will ever have time to BLOG. But I feel like I have a million things rushing threw my mind that I want to say. Say to someone... anyone that would listen to me. But for the most part my days are spent alone. Alone with the twins at home during the day, then I rush off to work where I sit alone in quiet office and work. The quiet at work is nice, but it makes my night drag out and I watch the clock way too much. Maybe I want to go home early or maybe I want to work later. Just depends on that day. Today, I can not wait to get to work. I guess you could say its my break from my world at home. But then when I am at work, I worry about the babies. If they are crying, if they need anything. I worry about the mess that might be being made. After I work so hard to make it all clean. ughhhh it never ends.

I thought I would start over and delete old post and start some new ones.

Random thoughts lately...

Why to we get on to our kids for things we do ourselves? PUT THAT UP, CLEAN THAT UP...
But when you look around... some adult in the house is just as guilty for the same things.

I had a few more thoughts but they ran away when I was writing this one.

The stress of motherhood has taken me beyond the 50mg of Zoloft the doctor things i need to level me off. I don't feel distant with the babies anymore. But still do not feel the bond I had with Shelby and Tristan. I love them more and more each day. I love to see them smile back at me and light up when I enter the room. Makes me feel loved. But I feel the struggle of holding down the house and kids. Not to mention still finding time to go to work to make the bills balance ( which hasn't happened yet. we are still in the hole).
I wonder if things will change or only get worse. Last Sunday I felt like I just couldn't find me all day. Like no matter what I did... or where I went.. I got more and more upset for no reason at all. I couldn't find balance in myself or my day. I thought about calling the doctor to say... I need stronger meds. But in the long run, I would like to stop taking these at the 6mo mark. I only started them because I couldn't stop crying all the time.

Yesterday I cried a lot. Just sitting at my desk at work I would break down. Mostly because of all the bullshit that was going on at home with Shelby and Brian.

I really need to focus on my weightloss and well being. Seriously.... Im not finding much of myself left anymore. That would be sad for the world to lose such a wonderful person such as myself. hahahha just kidding.

I thought I would have a lot to say in this blog today...But all I can think of is... I need to get in the shower.

Oh well...

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