Life has been crazy busy and down right boring all at the same time.
Ready for the shocker? My mother came for a visit. YIKES.. I know. The visit was long enough and just right. I felt like I bored her a lot. She just happen to come when my life was on my mind more than usual. So I was tired and wore out most of her visit. Now that she is gone... my life seems distant and disconnected. I am depressed more now than I ever was when the twins first came. The constant feeling of being a failure at life infest my mind. Deep depression surrounds me like a sickness no one can shake. Daily I pick apart my life one section at a time. My weight ( HUGE AND FAT), My looks ( UGLY), My kids ( disrespectful, rude, self centered) My marriage (routine, sexless, dull). I tell my husband I wish I would die on the way to work in a car accident. That way the family could live off of my life insurance. Then our money problems and my sadness would be gone. YES I am taking my meds. But it seems like LIFE just doesn't change no matter how much ZOLOFT you choke down your throat. ya know...
I was at a point where I was trying to make friends. I wanted to be apart of different groups. Now I find myself just wanting to be alone. ( well alone with my babies)
After a dozen years of reaching out at different people, I finally came to see the light that all I need is to just be left alone. I no longer need the company of others to make myself complete.
I still wish I wasn't so down in the dumps. I can't seem to pick myself up and it just gets worse. Will it ever get better? I am faced with the same bills trying to catch up and then Christmas for 4 kids. YIKES. How do you apply to be a angel on the Angel tree? hahahahha
Well that is all I have to share for now. Maybe one day I will write again with more exciting news.