Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Ahhhh BLOG how I miss you...How alone I am with out you ....

Life has been crazy busy and down right boring all at the same time.

Ready for the shocker? My mother came for a visit. YIKES.. I know. The visit was long enough and just right. I felt like I bored her a lot. She just happen to come when my life was on my mind more than usual. So I was tired and wore out most of her visit. Now that she is gone... my life seems distant and disconnected. I am depressed more now than I ever was when the twins first came. The constant feeling of being a failure at life infest my mind. Deep depression surrounds me like a sickness no one can shake. Daily I pick apart my life one section at a time. My weight ( HUGE AND FAT), My looks ( UGLY), My kids ( disrespectful, rude, self centered) My marriage (routine, sexless, dull). I tell my husband I wish I would die on the way to work in a car accident. That way the family could live off of my life insurance. Then our money problems and my sadness would be gone. YES I am taking my meds. But it seems like LIFE just doesn't change no matter how much ZOLOFT you choke down your throat. ya know...

I was at a point where I was trying to make friends. I wanted to be apart of different groups. Now I find myself just wanting to be alone. ( well alone with my babies)

After a dozen years of reaching out at different people, I finally came to see the light that all I need is to just be left alone. I no longer need the company of others to make myself complete.

I still wish I wasn't so down in the dumps. I can't seem to pick myself up and it just gets worse. Will it ever get better? I am faced with the same bills trying to catch up and then Christmas for 4 kids. YIKES. How do you apply to be a angel on the Angel tree? hahahahha

Well that is all I have to share for now. Maybe one day I will write again with more exciting news.


Becki Stone said...

Love! This post makes me so sad. First of all I am surprised that your mom came to visit, I'm so beyond shocked! I'm sorry her visit left you low and stripped of who you are. Please don't doubt who you are, and know you are loved! I wish we lived close to each other- it makes me so sad that we can't have the really really close relationship I think we should have. This damn distance is a bummer! Wanna move to Ohio? ;)
You know I'm always here for you- 100% I love you!!!!

Southern Plate said...

Mae-Ry , it'll get different. Always remember that! It could be worse, at least I haven't broken any of your bra straps lately...and you haven't fallen off of any horses in a long time...and we DID survive that Halloween Slumber party back in the day.

Now send me dem babies for a few decades! Deys some cute younguns!!!
OMG Shelby is freakin gorgemous!
and you are not ugly! You look just like you used to do...but I feel your pain with the depression, I truly do. Hang in there and keep taking those meds..better yet, talk to the doc about something better!

Are you taking your daily dose of Diet Dr Peppers? With twins, I recommend one on the hour, EVERY hour!